Ready or Not, Here They Come. It's Zombie Time!

That's good advice, kids.

In the past few years, zombies have exploded all over the mainstream, just like their heads when you put a shotgun shell between their dead eyes. With the rise of the undead as iconic figures, so has the preparation for the rise of the undead as actual fact. And, when you think about it, out of all the monsters out there (including aliens), a zombpocalypse is the most likely of our world-spanning nightmares to happen. Seriously, it could happen.

When there's no room left in Hell...

The constant fear of a large scale zombie attack, coupled with a Facebook status that's been going around about who you would be stuck with during the zomb-poc (I'd fair well, as it turns out), is the basis for this article. Now, I'm not going to go over what you should have in your Bug-Out Bag. You do have a B.O.B., right? Because you should. Even if you aren't weary of the zombie threat (you silly, silly person, you), it's a good idea to have a B.O.B. in case of any kind of disaster.

Well, they certainly seem to have it all locked up.

What you definitely need is a plan. And the aforementioned Bug-Out Bag. And guns. Lots of them, preferably. Definitely going to need guns. And other weapons. Basically, I'm saying that you are definitely going to be eaten if you can't defend yourself with brutal force. But I digress. You'll need a plan. And here are mine:

I said plans. Not schematics.

PLAN 1:

Win the lottery prior to outbreak. Invest fortune in Canadian land. Or at least Minnesota. Someplace cold, where the zombies will freeze during the winter. Build a compond with multiple panic rooms, a hydroponics room, as well as farmland & a place to raise animals. Besides a tall outer wall made of stone, there will be multiple security fences and guard towers surrounding the compound. If I could tap a well somewhere on the premises as well, then it'd be go time.

PLAN 2:

Go to the nearest wholesale warehouse (Costco, BJs, Sam's Club, etc). Secure all doors/windows/cages. You will not be the only person/group with this idea. Plus, think about the crowds that will already be in the store. Make friends. Send hunting parties up and down each aisle to take out any zedheads/pre-zed infected persons. This is a must. While the warehouse is a great place to hole up (there's enough food/water/clothes for a long while), remember that it only takes one infectee to fly under the radar to make the best laid plans turn to utter slop. Euthanasia will have to happen.

PLAN 3:

Party yacht. Hear me out before you crucify me for this one. Obviously, this is not optimal for a long term solution. But if you can get to one that is all stocked/gassed up, you can at least find a safe refuge for a little while. I made sure I said party yacht instead of yacht mostly because it's bigger, and if you have to make an open fire on a boat, I would imagine that a party yacht is a better place than a yacht.

PLAN 4:

Self-sustaining bomb shelter. Like in the Fallout video game series, or the delightful awful Brendan Fraser vehicle Blast from the Past. This is pretty self explanatory.

PLAN 5:

Get one of these bad boys and take back the the world.

Rock, flag, & eagle!

If you couldn't tell by these "plans," there is no one good plan. In fact, you can plan all you want, but there is never anyway to be able to know the damage the undead (or the fleeing plebes) will cause until the time has unfortunately come.

You must remember one thing, though: Head shots only.

The other big question that is brought up about the zombpocalypse is who you should bring with you. Now, some people are in the thought that the lone wolf strategy is best, while others think that small group is optimal. Still others think that a large group is the best idea for survival. Personally, I think a smaller group of people is the way to go, but I'll list some pros & cons of each.

LONE-WOLF

This picture is unfair, as Chuck Norris would kill all the zeds.

Pros: 

        Move at your own speed.

        Don't have to worry about anybody else.

        No need to share.

        Easier hiding spots.

Cons:

        Nobody to watch your back.

        Crazy from loneliness.

        Never have that "safe" feeling.

        Leave behind gear that may be essential, but to cumbersome.

SMALL GROUP (3-6 PEOPLE)

Four seemed to work for them...

Pros:

        Always somebody to watch your back.

        You can actually go to sleep.

        Possibly have people with a wide skill set.

        Share the work.

        Have others to help from going crazy.

Cons:

        Have to share.

        Could lose one with essential supplies.

        Worry about lies about bites.

        Possible trust issues.

LARGE GROUPS (10+ PEOPLE)

It's nice that you guys posed for this,

but you're all going to die.

Pros:

        Feeling of security.

        Communal share of the work.

        Multiple choices of sexual partners...? (For procreation purposes only...)

Cons:

        Lack of actual security.

        Spread of illness/zombplague high.

There are many other pros & cons for all of the possibilities listed above. Be smart when you choose your co-survivors. And remember, aim for the head.

Also: Have tons of guns.

Aaaaaaaand follow the rules, fools!

Why I Would Be the Worst Green Lantern Ever

I'm telling you Kilowog, there must be some kind of mistake...

I've written about the Green Lantern and the GLC, as well as the multiple other Corps that rely on the Emotional Spectrum for power multiple times. Here's the thing though: I know, deep in my heart, that I would never make it as a Green Lantern. If it were a real thing, I would never get a ring, and even, through some clerical error or something, if I did, it would end poorly for me and either the ring would fail me when most needed, or, more likely, I would fail it.

Just like this hunk of cannon fodder.

Now, I know you (imaginary readers) must be saying "But why? With somebody so knowledgeable about the Emotional Spectrum, you would surely be able to master the Emerald Light." Well yes, I am pretty awesome, but being knowledgeable about and being able to control the different aspects of the Emotional Spectrum are too entirely separate animals completely. As I've told somebody very close to me recently, "My willpower is for sh*t when it comes to you."

Though I can wield a mystical green flame

like you wouldn't believe.

And it's so painfully true. There is a reason that so many GLs wash out in the comic books. Mastering willpower is next to impossible. There's a reason I've been a mostly unfocused, overweight guy my whole life. And it all circles back to my willpower being sh*t. But, that doesn't mean I could never be a great Corpsman. Just, you know, not the Green Lantern type...

But I could be one step closer to the Great One.

No, not the Rock.

Without trying (yet still succeeding) to sound pretentious, I've been told that I am full of both hope and compassion, which would lend me well to be a member of either the the Blue Lantern Corps or the Indigo Tribe. I am definitely more hopeful than I am compassionate. Wellllllllllllllll, maybe as a whole, though I have a deep, extremely strong sense of compassion, but only for a select few. But my selectiveness pretty much bars me from membership to the Indigo Tribe. My overt optimism and belief that "all will be well" definitely leaves me better suited to the BLC.

My politics are my own. This is not an endorsement

of President Obama. It is, on the other hand, hilarious.

Another Corps I could possibly see myself in would be the Star Sapphires. Now, that may sound like an odd choice, but 1) induction into a Corps is rarely a choice, & B) I have my arguments as to why. While yes, as of this date, there has yet to be any males in the Star Sapphires Corps, comic Christ Geoff Johns has noted that men can become Star Sapphires, there just hasn't been one yet. I can't help but think of what the outfit might look like though. The current Star Sapphires have quite revealing outfits. But what are some possibilities for men in the SSC? Would they look a bit like the Predator, the embodiment of Love in the DCU?

I'm not really digging the helmet.

And the bondage thing is iffy, at best.

After a mostly horrifying Google image search, which I very, truly suggest you do not do, I have found a shocking amount of (once again) mostly horrifying fan made costumes. There was one I found that isn't too horrible though. I mean, it isn't great, either, but whatevs.

Real men wear pink. Does that hold true with violet?

My biggest problem is with the mask. I get it. It resembles the crown-like deal that is synonymous with the Star Sapphires. But still. Then again, if the SSC is anything like the GLC, then the bearer of the ring could change the appearance of that person's respective costume any way that person chooses. Sure we haven't seen it as of yet, but if it lends to both the GLC & the BLC, then why not the Star Sapphires too?

It looks great on Carol Ferris, but I don't think

I could pull it off. Not sure why. Just a hunch.

Basically, all I'm saying is that I'd be a wash of a Green Lantern, but I do think I'd thrive as a Blue Lantern or the first male Star Sapphire. While either one of these possibilities would be great, I'd still always want to be a GL. But, with the far inferior command of willpower...

Let me remind you what would happen.

Sir Michael Caine's Voice: More Pomp & Circumstance Than Morgan Freeman's

The First Hipster

When it comes to celebrity voices, there are two that are at the top of everybody's list: Morgan Freeman's and Sir Michael Caine's. They are both easily recognizable and probably the most impersonated voices of any other actor.

And Christopher Nolan got them.

Depending on what side of the Atlantic you're on probably determines whose voice you enjoy more. The Brits, I'm sure, enjoy the nasally, yet deep and knowing voice of Caine, whilst Americans go gaga over Freeman's deep, dulcet speech pattern.

Caine is also more intimidating.

Personally, I am a much bigger fan of Caine's voice than Freeman's. Not to say that I dislike the velvety Southern twang of Mr. Freeman, but there's just something comforting about Michael Caine's voice that places him higher. Not a lot of people know that.

Winning.

There's also the evolution of Caine's voice. When his career started, his voice was higher than it is now, and there was a bit more of a Cockney accent in there, as well. But, through the years, his voice has gotten a bit lower. A little slower. And, most importantly, more world-weary.

I blame all the run-ins with axes.

Michael Caine is awesome, but his voice is on a whole other level. I wish I could have Michael Caine as my butler, just so I could hear him give me the run down of my day, as well as offer sage pieces of advice that would come in handy when I need to figure out what the Joker would do next.

No, Master Bruce, I don't think he's robbing all

those banks just for the lollipops.

Good Work, Hollywood. You've Done It Again.

This would have been awesome.

Just a day after Tom Cruise was announced as the lead to Guillermo del Toro's big screen retelling of H.P. Lovecraft's At the Mountains of Madness, word has come down from above that said film has been cancelled. Now, I'm not sad for Mr. Cruise, who will be missing out on this payday. I've never been a fan, and he will bounce back from this without fail.

No comment for fear of retaliation from the Church

of Scientology, which most certainly is not a cult.

Universal Studios got cold feet about producing del Toro's passion project, that has been lingering in Developmental Hell for around five years. In an industry that squashes the chances of nearly any inkling of an original/outside-the-box idea (Inception being the exception that proves the rule), fear of the almighty dollar rules again.

Are you saying this wouldn't translate well to screen?

Apparently, the biggest issue was not the craziness of the source material. Lovecraft's work is notoriously difficult to bring to the big screen. But it has been done, and sometimes, like the 2005 silent adaptation of Call of Cthulhu, quite well. The biggest hurdle was del Toro's insistence that the film be rated "R." Universal got cold feet, and dropped the project.

Feminine Product Bags.

Here's the tricky situation: sure, you can understand in these difficult economic times that major studios would rather take the safe route and put out a crappy sequel to a crappy movie that (unfortunately) made them a ton of money than sink another ton of money into a film that flounders. Well, that's the rub. They'll never know just how well that movie could do if it doesn't get made. Hollywood has stopped challenging their audience. They continue to dish out the same mindless dribble that means nothing and keeps the viewer's mind stagnant.

Ladies & gentlemen of the jury, exhibit A.

There was a time when movies actually made people think. They made people question. They took risks. Were inventive. Challenged not only the audience, but the people who made it. When did that happen last? Once more, we're brought back to Inception. But it works with any Nolan film, really. Following, Memento, Insomnia, The Prestige. Heck, even The Dark Knight made us question if the Joker was the lesser of two evils, and at what point has invasion of privacy gone too far to keep the public safe?

Seriously: Money. In. The. Bank.

Major Hollywood studios scare too easily, which is why Nolan's one of the few mainstream directors that come to mind (and thrive) when you think of movies that are challenging and take a different approach at things. So, are there no other films doing things like that? No, there are tons of them. They comprise the "independent film" or, alternatively, the foreign film genres. Except, they are shunned by the big studios, and are forced to flounder, with the slightest hopes of a limited release, or worse, a DTV release with almost no distribution, at least in the US. I mean, can you find any legitimate indie releases in Best Buy, Wal-Mart, or Target? No. But you can find the umpteenth sequel to Air Bud. Why? Because the Mouse rules Hollywood. For foreign films, they might get critical acclaim, be released on DVD, and then get quickly remade into a bastardized version to suit the English-speaking American audience. Let Me In (Let the Right One In) & The Departed (Infernal Affairs) are the few times in which the remakes are actually "good," yet still come in under the original.

This brings nightmares. Hollywood, you can

finally release an actual horror film.

The kicker is that del Toro is the perfect man to bring At the Mountains of Madness to the mainstream. Not only is he daring and innovative, he is both critically lauded and commercially successful. Domestically, Mimic is really his only misstep. The Devil's Backbone, Blade II, Hellboy, Pan's Labyrinth, and Hellboy II: The Golden Army were all commercial hits, making back, in some cases, far more than their initial budget. And the Mimic misstep? It fell $5 million short of breaking even. But once again, that doesn't factor in what it made internationally. The Devil's Backbone was made for a "paltry" $4.5 million. It made just shy of $6.5 million...without any mainstream distribution. What was it rated? R. Blade II: made for $54 million. Grossed: $155 million. Rated R. Pan's Labyrinth: made for $19 million. Made: over $83 million. Once again, rated R. Hellboy II, del Toro's last outing as a director, made double its budget.

This crazy, foul mouthed man makes studios bank.

What was Universal so worried about? That the kids won't go out and see it? Guess what, dummies? THERE ARE NO KIDS THAT ARE GOING TO SEE THIS MOVIE ANYWAY! Lovecraft isn't exactly hip with the high school set. Sure, there will be some teens in the goth subgroup that will go see it. And if it's hyped up to be as scary as it probably would have been, then guess what? The teens will flock to it anyway, R rating be damned. Do you know who is actually affected by the rating system? Children. Not teens. Theaters want to make money too, so if a teen who looks like they could possibly be 17 or older, even if you have to squint to see the resemblance, they are going to get in. Plus, it isn't unheard of for kids to see movies, even ones that are inappropriate for them, with their parents. Or even by themselves.

Guillermo would totally make this work. And

people would pay to see it.

Do you know how many 5th & 6th graders have told me that The Hangover is their favorite movie? Even if the answer was only one (which it isn't), that is too many! But guess what? It's in the dozens. How do these kids watch these movies? I think that the content of The Hangover (which I too love) is far more disturbing and potentially damaging than anything del Toro would bring to the table with At the Mountains of Madness. Once more, Hollywood has screwed the pooch and left eager fans flapping in the breeze, more cold hearted, dejected, and disillusioned than ever before. I can only hope the rumors are true, and that del Toro is shopping around the film to other studios.

Stare into the gaping maw of terror...

And imagine what could have been.

Women I Love - Spotlight: Felicia Day

The month of March is Women's History Month. As such, I will, from time to time, be posting blogs about women I love. Wellllllllll, admire. Love is a strong word, and as I don't actually know any of these women personally, that would be weird. But I digress... Anyways, here is one of the aforementioned blogs about a woman that I admire...

Queen of the Internets.

Oh, the lovely Felicia Day: actress, writer, gamer, accomplished violinist. While she might not be a household name (yet), she is a lightening rod of affection and awe in the geek/nerd world. She has also caught the eye of many not in this subculture by, well, look at her. She's an amazingly attractive redhead.

And she sticks it to the man.

Miss Day's early career consisted of stage performances or bit parts. One of her first roles to give her exposure to a worldwide audience was as the potential slayer Vi in the final season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This character has become quite popular, and Vi has even shown up in the Season Eight comics.

Just another reason that I thank Joss Whedon every day.

After her initial paring with Whedon, she portrayed a number of different roles on screens both large and small, probably the most mainstream being Bring It On Again. But then, in 2007, something awesome happened. Felicia took her love of (and addiction to) video games, and created/wrote/starred in the internet series The Guild. It tells the story of a team of MMOPRG players (or, alternatively, guild...which is where the name of the show stems from), who are, in their own different ways, extremely damaged, but highly entertaining. You should watch it.

There's sometimes multitasking involved.

In 2008, things got even better. More mainstream attention came Felicia's way in the form of a guest spot on the Fox hit House. Exciting as that might be, it pales in comparison to what happened next. As you (imaginary readers) hopefully remember, a little thing called a writer's strike halted TV & movie production. All hope for awesome new content seemed lost, until, as though a fairy (like the one she sometimes portrays on fellow internet series The Legend of Neil) came down from the subspace anomaly known as Heaven, and Miss Day's path crossed once more with NerdGod Joss Whedon's. In the midst of the strike, Whedon & crew wrote & film the internet smash hit Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-Long Blog. It may be the greatest thing ever. The grassroots mini-series became an instant hit, even crashing the site when it debuted. Day played Penny, the love interest of the "evil" Dr. Horrible and the "good" Captain Hammer. It, unfortunately, was a "women in refrigerators" role, but it did give us all the chance to enjoy (and be surprised by) her tremendous singing voice.

Also: NPH was there.

Season 2 of The Guild also premiered that year, furthering the misadventures of the gaming group in the real world. The internet show has become a huge hit, winning multiple awards. It has branched out from it's mostly webcam-view roots to feel like it takes place in a very real world. In Season 3 (and continuing into Season 4), something wonderful happened. Wil Wheaton joined the show as recurring nemesis Fawkes. Yes, that Wil Wheaton.

Wesley!

They play extremely well off of each other, and if you follow them on Twitter (@feliciaday & @wilw, respectively), you get the feeling that they're great friends.

That was a segue to use this wonderful piece of van art.

Day & Whedon teamed up again(!) for two episodes of Dollhouse, where she played, in the interest of brevity & ease, a freedom fighter named Mag in a future that has been taken over by mind-wiping technology. She's a pure badass in this role, and I can't help but think that this was the role that helped her get picked to play Virginia "Red" Sullivan in SyFy's awesome retelling of "Little Red Riding Hood" in Red: Werewolf Hunter.

Don't piss her off. She will end you.

Miss Day has also done voice work for multiple video games, including Rock of the Dead, Fallout: New Vegas, and the upcoming Guild Wars 2. The future is looking bright for her, and 2011 looks to be a great year for her, with a role in the upcoming season of SyFy's hit show Eureka, the upcoming fifth season of The Guild, and, possibly most exciting, the online mini-series Dragon Age: Redemption, which she also wrote.

Yes, she looks gorgeous.

Also, she looks like she'll stab me.

NOTE TO FELICIA DAY: I'm (obviously) a big fan of yours. If you're reading this, first of all, I want to thank you for your body of work. Secondly, I hope you enjoyed my tribute to you. It would mean a lot if you were to comment on it or (far more awesomely) follow me on Twitter. I'm waiting with great anticipation for the new season!

Drive Angry 3D - The Update of the Preview of a Review

So I just got home from seeing Drive Angry. In 3-Dimensions!!! The movie was terrible, in terms of quality. But it was awesome. It was over the top with a ridiculous plot. But the fact that it was performed with such sincerity (aside from Billy Fichtner, who clearly knew this was a merely a payday and was campy amazingness) that makes it even better.

P.I.M.P.

Also, Amber Heard is plays a cop killing ex-waitress. Updating the overall review now that I've seen it:
      Movie - 2 out of 5 Stars
      Bad Hair - 12 out of 5 Receding Mullets
      In 3D!!!-ness - 5 out of 5 Explosions

Awesomeness - 78 out of 5 Billy Fichtners

Itinerant Child

"The road is full of danger..."

My iTunes is jam packed with random music. It shakes things up so that when I press "random," I really, truly get random songs. Listening to Kimya Dawson's "Tree Hugger" got me thinking about what I want to do with my life. Being a hilarious, unknown internet comedy blogger quite literally does not pay the bills. Tragic, to be sure, but at least it's realistic. And substitute teaching and baking & short order cooking (?) on the weekends just barely does the trick. A big question being asked of me by oh so many people is "What do you want to do with your future?" The simple answer? I don't know.

Only two? That's quite limited.

The song ended, and I was hit with the jaunty proto/post-punk opening of Ian Dury & the Blockheads's "Itinerant Child." It was one of those random moments when a choir of angels descend from the subspace anomaly known as "Heaven." The song perfectly fit my mood and my wants. Granted, the song is more-or-less about a group of modern nomads who are very possibly on the wrong side of the law, but the spirit of the idea is the same. I don't see myself as a person who can be behind a desk or at a cubicle all day. While it is nice to have a routine, I feel as though I would lose my mind doing the same thing day in and day out.

It's also the genesis of lame pictures.

"What do you want to do with your future?" I want to travel. I want to try different things. I want to go cross country. See Perth. Open a greasy spoon, all-breakfast dive. Visit the Colosseum. Motorbike through England. Study at Trinity College. Be a traveling journalist. Have a safari adventure. Compete on the Amazing Race. Dominate Survivor. Be the party motivator on a cruise ship. Teach English in Costa Rica. Fight giant robots in Japan (that's a thing, right?). I want to get married. I want to have kids. Basically, I'm saying that it's not that I don't know what I want to do, because I want to do it all. It's just that I don't know what I want to do first.

This is a thing, right?