31 Movies of Halloween 2011: Days 11 - 13

Day 11 - Suck

Surprisingly, it didn't...too much.

Suck's a vampire comedy that's also kind of a musical. But only kind of. Basically, the film follows a band trying to make it big. They aren't very good. But that all changes when a (goofy looking) vampire bites & turns their hot bassist into one of the undead, in a scene that can only be described as a gang molestation/drug withdrawal/mental breakdown/music number. Anyways, after her transformation, the band starts getting better, through her mad crazy vampire bass playing skills...? Well, the body count starts adding up, in relatively grisly ways, which causes angst, as you'd imagine. Also: Malcolm McDowell plays Dr. Eddie Van Helsing, a (pseudo) vampire hunter with a grudge, as his lady was killed  by one years before.

Sometimes it gets kooky.

Best Part:
I could say the flashback scenes of young McDowell, as they are all actually taken from an old film of his, but no. I could also say it's all the rolls & cameos filled by legitimate rock/punk stars, such as Alice Cooper, Alex Lifeson, Moby, Henry Rollins, & Iggy Pop.

Raw power, indeed.

But no, that isn't it, either. A recurring gimmick in the film is that certain shots in the film are made to look like classic rock albums, such as Abbey Road, Born in the USA, & The Kids Are Alright. But, that isn't the best part. The best is the homage to T.Rex's Electric Warrior, because T.Rex is the best.

Marc Bolan would be proud. Or be turning in his grave.

Day 12 - Club Dread

Making with the scary while making with the funny.

Club Read is a horror comedy spoof by the Broken Lizard guys, you know the ones: they made Super Troopers & Beerfest. I know this movie gets passed over by a lot of people, but I love it. It takes place on a theme resort island, where the only rule is enjoy yourself to the fullest extent. Every thing's going all well and good until bodies (and body parts) start showing up. It's madcap & gets a bit gory at times, plus, like Scream, it lampoons the classic slasher film tropes, but there are a few scenes that can make you jump.

Also: you have Steve Lemme who always goes for the big laughs.

Best Part:
Bill Paxton as the resorts owner/host Coconut Pete, a Jimmy Buffett clone who also happens to be an alcoholic burnout, hands down. He just brings it, and even the little things he adds in the background are fantastic.

It's the long white dreads that take it up a notch.

Day 13 - The Fog (1980)

John Carpenter? It must be full of creepy music...

The Fog is (more or less) a ghost story that takes place in a coastal Californian town. The film opens with a tale being told of a ship getting lost in a tremendous fog & crashing upon the rocks near the aforementioned town, a hundred years prior. As it's later revealed, the ship was full of lepers, and the town founders had conspired to help crash the ship, so that it could be plundered. Back in the (relative) present (1980), that town (Antonio Bay) is celebrating its centennial. But, oh, what's that in the distance? Is that creepy glowing fog? Yup. Full of pissed of dead shipwreck victims? Double yup. Business picks up.

And they didn't have Clark Kent to save them in this one.

Best Part:
I'm partial to the first attack. It kind of comes out of nowhere, and it's pretty brutal.

Supah-creepay.

31 Movies of Halloween 2011: Day 8 - 10 (aka The Columbus Day Spectacular!!!)

Day 8 - Chopping Mall

The best part of horror posters are the puns.

Chopping Mall is the story of technology running amok in a police station. Psyche nah. It's in a mall. So, anyways, the story goes that a mall buys three new security robots (along with a new security system, natch) to make sure that they are the safest mall in the country. Maybe? Who cares? Anyway, this being the movies, of course something goes wrong, messing up the computer running the whole operation & the machines start killing the Hell out of everybody. Until they (the robots) all get destroyed, because this is Hollywood. And a ragtag group of horny teens/twenty-somethings can destroy killer robots.

Janitors aren't so lucky, though.

Best Part:
The time that this chick's head gets blown up by a laser.

Here's the chick. Do you see the laser?

It makes her head do this.

Day 9 - Blades

If it's Troma, it must be good!

Blades is the story of technology running amok at a golf course. And by technology, I mean a big lawn mower. Now, it takes place leading up to and during a golf tournament. People go missing & are found mutilated. The police are comically inept. The whole damn thing is camptastic & absurd, but that's the drawing power of the movie. It sure isn't the story. Or the acting.

And don't let this picture fool you: there're no ghouls in it.

Best Part:
All the murder has taken place off screen (for obvious budgetary reasons), so you have to wait until the end to get a glimpse of the piece of unholy machinery that has been causing this wacky hi-jinx (or brutal murder, whichevs) all film long.

Yes, those are balloons with smiley faces on them.

You'll have to watch it to see how humanity prevails over this...devious...evil...lawnmower.




Day 10 - Severed: Forest of the Dead

Look into the gaping maw of doom!

Severed: Forest of the Dead is the story of technology running amok at a logging camp...no? It's not? Zombies, you say? Oh, well then...So, Severed is a zombie movie taking place in the nondescript Pacific Northwest. Accidents happen, which accidents tend to do, and all of the sudden, a logging issue begat a zombie outbreak. Ho hum. Anyway, it centers on a group of loggers & the tree-huggers that are protesting them that have to band together and escape, or become zombie food. Also, because logging corporations are evil (and apparently have science departments...I can't confirm or deny that, I'm no Timber Baron), it turns out that a genetically mutated sap that they've been introducing to the trees to yield higher profit margins is te flashpoint of the outbreak.

Lumberjacks? More like lumberjerks.

Best Part:
The actor that played Billy Keikeya, President Roslin's aide-de-camp, in the reimagined Battlestar Galactica (Paul Campbell) is the star of the movie. And I think that's nifty.

"Man, I thought those Toasters were bad news..."

31 Movies of Halloween 2011: Day 7

Day 7 - Zombiethon

I mean, it looks like it might be...okay, it's crap.

Zombiethon is a clip movie. What's a clip movie, Capt. James Awesome? Good question, dear reader. Do you know what a clip show is? Good. This is the exact same thing, but instead of different clips from episodes, this film is comprised of different clips from old zombie movies. Also: the overarching "story" is that a bunch of ghouls are watching the movies in a theater. Oh, did I mention that the "movie" is crap? Because it's crap. Craptastically crappy crap. Covered with shit.


Best Part:
While I'd love to say that the best part of the movie is the scantily clad ladies running from random zombies that have no context to the "story" but are used as buffers between the movie clips, I'm going to go with the clip they show from Zombie/Zombi 2. Why? Zombie vs Shark!!! Duh.

It's a zombie. Versus a shark. Zombie vs Shark!!!

31 Movies of Halloween 2011: Days 1-6

Since I'm a glutton for punishment, I figured that I'd attempt to do another 31 Movies of Halloween. Yup, once again: I'm watching one movie a day for each day of this fine month. Sadly, I've been really busy the past week, so this is the first time I'm getting a chance to write about the first six movies. And without further ado...


Day 1 - Don't Be Afraid of the Dark

It really is quite good.

Yes, I know that I already blogged about it. And, yes, technically I watched it in September. But it was the last day of September. And I'm just one man. With a life. Kind of. Shut up. Either way, this movie is about some nasty tooth fairies who get supah-creepay on a family. It's off-putting. And jawsome. Just like Street Sharks.

The 90's: It was a different time.

Best Part:
The Mr. Harris attack. Man...those tooth fairies are vicious.




Day 2 - Undead

That gun seems impractical...

Undead is a 2003 horror/comedy from Australia. So you know it's wacky. The movie is actually a two-fer. Sure, there're zombies (mostly), but there're aliens, too! Anyway, a zombie outbreak (from space!) breaks out in Oz, and it's up to a pageant queen, a creepy loner, and the rest of their ragtag group of survivors to get to the bottom of it all. Or at least not get eaten. Or have their brains punched through their heads. Mostly not get eaten, though. It was pretty good. Not great, but pretty good. Pretty, pretty, pretty good.

Far more badass...yet still impractical. And unwieldy.

Best Part:
The aforementioned brain-through-head-punch. Was not expecting that one. And once again, it takes a non-Hollywood movie to surprise me.




Day 3: Bride of Re-Animator

He'll never learn.

Herbert West is back, doing those wacky experiments. This time, he's got a job in a hospital, which is a great place to find test subjects if you're a mad scientist. And, you guessed it: Herbert West is that mad scientist. Apparently he was working down in South America at some point between the films, so that comes back to bite him in the ass. Or something. Whatever. So, the big thing in this one isn't just the reanimation of a dead body, but the reanimation of individual body parts. Hey, I wonder if there's a way to create (recreate?) a person using scrap parts? "Challenge: Accepted," said Dr. West.

The "Holy Frankenstein!"-ness is just too graphic.

As always, things don't go to plan.


Best Part:
Dr. Carl Hill (well, his head) gets bat wings. Yup. A flying zombie head.

Pre-bat wings.

Day 4: Beyond Re-Animator

The man won't stop.

Okay, so Herbert West gets locked up (finally) because one of his experiments gets loose and kills the Hell out of some girl, right in front of her brother. The brother sees West getting cuffed & put in the police car, where he drops a vial of his reagent. Naturally, the boy picks it up & keeps it for 13 years. Because that's rational. He also became a doctor. And got a job at the prison that West is serving his time. Because that's rational.

But seeing a zombie do this & then eat your sister would cause poor life choices.

He & West team up, combining the reagent & a new process that West created that basically steals the soul out of a being, to (hopefully) make zombies that are just like their old selves, not just mindless, murderous creatures. Also: there's a sexy reporter, sexy nurse, drug addled prisoner, & a real sumbitch of a warden. Hijinks ensue.


Best Part:
West just jabs syringes full of reagent into people all willy-nilly.

Watch the birdie.

Day 5: The Midnight Meat Train

This was the Citizen Kane of 2008. That's not true.

Midnight Meat Train is an adaptation of a Clive Barker story, so it ends with monsters. Sorry if that spoils things, but, come on. If I have any a priori knowledge of Clive Barker's work, it's that it's always monsters. Anyway, it's the story of a photographer (pre-Hangover Bradley Cooper) who stumbles upon a man who murders people on a train. After midnight. It is (slightly) more complicated than that. Whatever. There's a ton a gore & a mildly interesting turn of events. All I know is that...

Some guys just can't handle meat trains.

Best Part:
Vinnie Jones. 'Nuff said.

Supah Creepay!

Day 6 - Near Dark

One of these movies is good. Hint: it's the one with legitimate vampires.

Near Dark is probably the most badass vampire movie ever, not mention an early showing of the brilliance of Kathryn Bigelow. It's scary, action-packed, and awesome. The film is a mixture of horror and western, but in a modern setting. I can't sing the film's praises enough, so go see it. Oh, and if you've heard about this one, but have never seen it, you're probably familiar with this...

Bill Paxton: Sex Symbol.

Best Part:
The vampires. The casting was brilliant, highlighted by the aforementioned Paxton & Lance Henriksen, two of James Cameron's regulars.

Aww. What a sweet family photo.

So, Steve Jobs Passed...

Well, I was sitting down, about to start writing this year's installment of the 31 Movies of Halloween, when social media told me of the passing of Steve Jobs. Facebook, Twitter, the blogosphere, news sites, et al. are awash in tributes to his genius. I stumbled upon this particular tweet, and it really resonated with me. "My daughter's really sad Steve Jobs died. For her generation, it's like losing Walt Disney."

Before the turtlenecks...

I have no idea who the man that tweeted that is, but it makes his (and his daughter's) sentiment no less true. Steve Jobs was like a modern day Walt Disney (and I'll let the obvious Pixar-related humor fall to the wayside). Think about it: who else, in their respective fields, in their respective times, revolutionized their craft as much as both of those men? Who brought more joy to the masses? With each new product they put out, who else made so many adults feel like kids again? And with each man's passing, how can you not but feel a little bit of the loss yourself?


I sit here, pecking away on my Macbook. My iPhone sitting beside it. I've got an iPod hooked up to my car's stereo, and a 1st generation iPod Nano for when I'm working out. There are Pixar movies in my DVD racks. And, honestly, the first computers I really even remember using were either the old Apple IIe or IIc. Sorry, I'm a little hazy on that. Needless to say, Job's influence has had a profound influence on my life.


And I've heard the stories. I've heard the rumors. I'm not here to say he was a good man. I'm not writing to say he was a bad man. I'm just writing to memorialize a genius, an innovator, and a great man.

And then there was one...

If you visit the Apple website, you will get a memorial page featuring the picture and graphic at the top of this article. Clicking brings you to this message:

Thank you Mr. Jobs, for everything.

Greatest Thing Ever?

Netflix, how I love thee...

I don't care if you raised your prices. It's called capitalism people.

So, I added Yo Gabba Gabba to my Instant Queue earlier today. Don't ask why. It's truly better if you don't. I mean, it's pretty obvious why.

I mean, who doesn't love Biz Markie?

But anyway, this addition led me to come across a few gems I otherwise would not have. And, oh, it's delightful.

 

Yup.

And...

Yup...per...ist.

Now, as most can guess, I hold a place in my heart for those God awful "mockbusters" made by studios like The Asylum that premiere Saturday nights on SyFy. But I think this brings it to a different level. I mean, really? "The Little Cars?" "Chop Kick Panda?" At least when they ripped off "The Honeymooners," they changed the setting to the stone age & made Norton short and fat. And had them hawk Winstons. 

Though it kind of looks like they're watching Yo Gabba Gabba.

I think plagiarism is moderately acceptable when you take the original concept, and make it better.

How is this...

...better than this?

I've seen elementary school children make higher quality art than "Chop Kick Panda."

I'll give you that "Cars" wasn't great...

...though at least it doesn't make me physically ill like this.

Apparently, there are a ton more of these. And that's awful. But the best kind of awful. And for that, I thank you Vídeo Brinquedo.

How are you not at least slightly interested in how bad this is?