I love Charlie Sheen. This guy is a national treasure.
It's as if there's a giant bag of cocaine just out of frame.
Carlos Irwin Estevez is a hot mess. At times, an amazing actor, but always a hot mess. Let's look at his resume, shall we?
And I don't mean his acting credits.
Cocaine. Shot his girlfriend. Cocaine. Marriage. Cocaine. Named as a customer of Heidi Fleiss. Cocaine. Divorce. Cocaine. Dated some pornstars. OD'd on cocaine. Denise Richards. Cocaine. Third marriage. Cocaine. More domestic abuse. Cocaine. The greatest stay at New York's Plaza Hotel ever. Cocaine. Divorce cubed. Probably more cocaine.
Renaissance Man.
Now, I'm writing this because of Sheen's most recent disaster at the Plaza Hotel. The story goes as this: Charlie went on a booze & coke bender during his stay. He ordered budding "actress" Capri Anderson to be his"escort" that evening. Somewhere between then & when the cops showed up, Charlie did what Charlie does best.
They did it. Hollywood has just slain all that is holy in the world of nerdom.
I'll miss you most of all, sure to be cut from the story Xander. And Angel. And EVERYBODY.
Oh, wait. All is not completely lost for us geeks. Hollywood doesn't have the balls to pillage the Guinness World Record holding Doctor Who.
Mainly because it'll take 3 movies to get people up to speed. Oh, and who would watch it? Besides me?
I feel as though I should cut straight to the point. Besides the press release that the until-recently-dead-in-the-water Buffy reboot is, unfortunately alive and well, with no input from Joss Whedon, Buffy's creator and God to all that is nerdy, to boot, we getthisarticle. Who is Whit Anderson? What credentials does she have to handle such a beloved character? None. She's a fan? Great. Me too. Have all the DVDs. Bought them all the day they came out. Seen them all at least five times. Some far more than that ('Hush,' I'm looking at you). Doesn't mean I should get a shot at writing the script.
I'm guessing a role for Paul Reubens is out of the question.
But what's the big problem? Well, first off, they need to stop remaking things. Especially things that are still rather fresh in people's minds (I'm looking at you Spider-Man. And Hulk. And Punisher. And Death at a Funeral.)
Yes, it was a (funnier) British comedy first. And the naked guy is yet another tie to the Whedonverse.
Secondly, Buffy isn't dead. Sure, it's been a fair number of years since the show ended, but it is alive and well in a legitimate, cannon comic series published by Dark Horse. Seriously, it's a legitimate season eight, in print form.
So many covers...
Sure. maybe it's just sour grapes about suits (possibly...probably...) ruining one of my favorite characters/mythos. But, it's what is said in the previous mentioned article that worries me. "While this is not your high-school Buffy, she’ll be just as witty, tough and sexy as we all remember her to be." The whole point of Buffy was to deal with the problems and pressures of high school, which is why, for the most part, the later seasons stunk up the joint. I'm not looking at you, Hush. Or The Body. Or Once More, With Feeling. Or the character Vi, which was my introduction to Felicia Day.
Thank you, Joss Whedon, for so many things. Aaaaaaand the lechery continues.
No, I'm looking at you, The Initiative. And robotic sex-Buff. And The Initiative.
Season 4 suuuuuuuuuucked.
My biggest fear is that the studio will interject itself into the project far too much, as it did with Whedon's original film. Which was delightfully campy, yet lacked the substance the show had. Also, the fact that Anderson is using Batman Begins as a example frightens me.
Think this: but with a cape & cowl...and the voice of a 50-year-old-carton-a-day smoker.
Batman Begins worked because it took the source material and put it on film as is. Buffy has already been done like that. For seven seasons. I mean, I'm going to go see it. And I hope, so very, very much that I'm mistaken. But, there's a huge chance that they will massacre it. Mainly by casting Buffy with this person:
Here it is; the epic conclusion of my list of the Greatest Fake Bands of All Time. And without further ado, I give to you:
9. Scrantonicity/Scrantonicity II - The Office (US Version)
This is the only picture of Scrantonicity I could find that wasn't just Brian Baumgartner.
Scrantonicity is the cleverly named Police cover band formed by Kevin Malone on The Office. They made their first appearance during the season two finale, Casino Night.
No, sir. I would prefer if you were the one not standing anywhere near me.
Due to creative differences, Kevin would split from Scrantonicity, and form another, equally awesomely named Police cover band, Scrantonicity II. Fun fact: the original lineup started as a Steve Miller Band cover band, aptly named the Jokers & Tokers.
8. Ziggy Stardust & the Spiders from Mars - The Rise & Fall of Ziggy Stardust & the Spiders from Mars
I know what you're thinking: "Hey man, this is just David Bowie. An amazing talent and possibly the greatest and most important person in the evolution of rock 'n' roll since Elvis, but still, just a persona that the great Thin White Duke created for himself."
Wrong Ziggy...
While, yes, on stage Bowie did play the part of Ziggy Stardust, while Mick Ronson & crew played the Spiders from Mars, Bowie did not see himself as Ziggy.
He sure as shit was floating in space, though...
The story states that Ziggy was an alien who came down to Earth with a message of peace, hope, and positive force for the planet in its waning years. He lived the rock star life, and, unfortunately, became a victim of his success and lifestyle.
Also? Ziggy played guitar.
Bowie's Ziggy Stardust creation, album, and persona was one of the most influential fictional bands of all time, almost single handedly bringing glam rock to another level.
7. Dingoes Ate My Baby - Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Oh, to be young and rocking in the mid-to-late '90's.
Dingos Ate My Baby was more or less the house band at Sunnydale's preeminent teen hotspot, The Bronze. Dingoes's lead guitarist was Daniel "Oz" Osbourne, ex-boyfriend of mega-witch Willow Rosenberg and part-time lycanthrope. Their frontman was Devon MacLeish, who has been romantically linked to Sunnydale's social butterflies Cordelia Chase & Harmony Kendall. There were other members in the band, too. Allegedly.
You telling me you wouldn't go see these guys play with a poster like this?
Their music was performed by the real life band Four Star Mary. The legend of Dingoes Ate My Baby stalls after the episode entitled "The Initiative," as they were never mentioned again.
6. Sex Bob-omb - Scott Pilgrim comic series/Scott Pilgrim vs The World film
I was so frightened about what would come up when I searched "Sex Bob-omb."
Sex Bob-omb is comprised of Scott Pilgrim on bass and backing vocals, Stephen Stills (no relation) on guitar and lead vocals, and Kim Pine on drums. It's Scott's band in the film Scott Pilgrim vs The World.
This would be the film's version of the band...note the actual people.
In the original source material (i.e. the comics), Sex Bob-omb is Scott's third (known) band, the first being Sonic & Knuckles (with Kim Pine and Lisa Miller). This was followed by Kid Chameleon, with Stephen Stills, Envy (Scott's ex), and Stephanie (Young Neil's sister) while they were in college. Following Sex Bob-omb, Scott and Kim formed Shatterband. All four bands were named after video games/video game characters.
So afraid when I googled Sex Bob-omb.
5. Dr Fünke's 100% Natural Good Time Family Band Solution - Arrested Development
I'd trust these faces to sell me Temocil.
This was the folk band Tobias and family performed as in the mid-'90's according to the Arrested Development universe. They had moderate success performing on the prescription drug circuit.
Though this definitely seems more like Tobias's style...
In the episode Best Man for the Gob, Tobias tries to get the band back together, recruiting the impressionable George Michael (Bluth...not, ya know, the Wham! guy). Hilariousness ensues.
4. The Beets - Doug
If you don't know who they are, go away.
Fast food feels fuzzy, cause it tastes like stuff that's scuzzy. I used to feel like such a nerd, I refused to eat that strange bean curd. I didn't eat -ow- but I ate you. Aw-wee-oo. Killer Tofu. Eee-aw-wee. Iee-oo. Killer tofu.
The Beets were so punny.
I eat my sugared cereal, but it make my teeth bacterial. Ee-awee-oo. Ee-awee. If you're feeling kind of cruddy, just stick right by your buddy. And don't eat too much fried food - ow- Aw-wee-oo. Killer tofu. Eee-aw-wee. Iee-oo. Killer tofu.
I legitimately have this shirt.
3. Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem
The first rock band you ever heard.
Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem were the house band on the Muppet Show. They also rocked the faces off of anybody who had ever seen them.
He was also clearly stoned and just kind of frightening looking.
What was strange about Dr. Teeth is that they took off. Like, for real. Like, in the real world. They have recorded albums.
What. The. Hell?
2. Jesse & the Rippers/Hot Daddy & the Monkey Pants - Full House
The Smash Club, a nightclub that lets young children in.
Jesse & the Rippers was Uncle Jesse's band (hence the name) on the quintessential early '90's TV show Full House.
Have mercy.
They would hit it big with a cover of the Beach Boy's song "Forever."
Mmm mmm good.
In an interesting twist of fate, this pretty much only happened because Stamos really did the lead vocals on forever and played drums for the Beach Boys for years in real life.
Notice how this is recent? It's because the above is a true story.
Uncle Jesse later got kicked out of the Rippers (he still got royalties) and formed Hot Daddy & the Monkey Pants.
Pictured: another Jesse that could have (probably has been) called Hot Daddy.
1. Spinal Tap - This is Spinal Tap
Talk about mud flaps, my girl's got them.
Spinal Tap is fantastic. They started off as a fake band being lampooned in Rob Reiner's mockumentary This is Spinal Tap. Billed as "England's Loudest Band," they even have a specially made amp that goes not to ten, but to eleven.
These are the guys that coined the phrase "goes to eleven."
Since then, they have been engrained not only into American culture, but pop culture all over the world.
They must have made it if they were on the Simpsons.
They appeared on SNL, in a sequel, the Simpsons, and more. They even went on an anniversary tour not too recently.
Once again, not a joke.
That's it. Hope you enjoyed my list of the greatest fake bands of all time. Actually, I don't mind if you didn't. Go make your own list if you have problems with it.
Hope you enjoyed part one. And without further ado, I give you part two.
15. Captain Geech & the Shrimp Shack Shooters - That Thing You Do!
Ladies & Gentlemen, the On-e-ders!
Sure, the Wonders/Oneders were the real fictious band in the movie That Thing You Do!, but Captain Geech & the Shrimp Shack Shooters are the ones that always stuck in my mind.
I believe it was because of the Zahn's throwaway line...
The Wonders play Captain Geech & the Shrimp Shack Shooters as a parody of themselves in a movie that calls back to the Frankie Avalon/Annette Funicello flms of yore. I don't know why it has always stuck with me, but I''m willing to bet it has to do with the pure absurdity of it all.
14. Limozeen - Homestar Runner
I'd like them on Facebook. Not enough to actually like them on Facebook, but still...
Limozeen is Strongbad's favorite band in the internet cartoon Homestar Runner. They are clearly a spoof on pretty much every hair metal band ever, and that automatically makes them awesome.
Are you ready to rock-rock-rock-rock-rock?
The group consists of four brothers of Italian-american descent from Staten Island, though sometimes their two cousins from Long Island collaborate with them.
Wrong Staten Island collaboration...
Basically, I'm saying that I would love to see them live.
Lucky bastard.
13. The Wyld Stallyns - The Bill & Ted Movies
San Dimas High School Football Rules!
What to say about Bill & Ted? Clearly, they were stoners. I mean, yeah, the movies were geared towards a younger demographic, but still. It's pretty obvious. But that has nothing to do with anything. Living the life that many high schoolers do, they have a "band," and they hope to make it big.
Welp, at least one of them did.
They rocked. They rolled. They travelled through time with George Carlin. But in the end, they are the people who bring the world to a peaceful golden age that has never been seen before and will never be seen again.
Anyway, it truly is a shame that William Hung & His Hung Jury is a fake band. Created by the geniuses behind the criminally short lived Arrested Development, WH&HHJ leave a lasting impression on the viewer.
Just like this picture will leave a lasting impression on your eternal soul.
I'm not even going to joke. I would listen to them. I mean, clearly, they wouldn't be good, but they would still be awesome. And, comparatively to some talk show house bands, they would be far more enjoyable. Except for the Roots. The Roots are the greatest house band of all time. For this, and only for this, I thank you, Jimmy Fallon.
Not only is he a superstar, he is a superhero.
11. Aldous Snow & Infant Sorrow - Forgetting Sarah Marshall/Get Him to the Greek
It's like his junk is a wild animal...
Just like most bands, Infant Sorrow is eclipsed by its frontman, Aldous Snow. Due to his increasing antics (and batshit craziness), the band broke up.
At least he has a career to fall back on.
They were the quintessential sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll band (and thank you one Mr. Ian Dury for coining that phrase), and, thusly, their story plays out like any/every band that believes their own hype and gets sucked into the machine.
But looked damn good doing it.
If they were real, I would love to see them. I mean, who wouldn't? Glam-ish Brit-pop? That's pretty much my favorite. Unfortunately, they are not.
Wait, what?
10. Zack Attack - Saved by the Bell
Epic.
This was inevitable. Everybody watched Saved by the Bell. People still watch Saved by the Bell. And one of the most memorable things from the show was the Zack Attack. The line-up was as follows: Zack Morris on lead guitar/vocals. AC Slater on drums. Samuel "Screech" Powers on keyboard. Lisa Turtle on bass guitar. Kelly Kapowski (and later Jessie Spano) on vocals.
Well of course he was the frontman.
Initially, when Zack dreamed the band up, not only did he imagine the band rocketing to super stardom, but also their eventual fall. ANd also their reunion. All while narrated by one Mr. Casey Kasem.
Hey Scoob!
Now, they never really hit it big, though they did play many a dance at good ol' Bayside High. Oh, the memories.
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