Drive Angry 3D - The Preview of a Review

How can you not want to see this?

So here's the deal: I have not seen Drive Angry in 3D(!) yet. But I will. And soon. This is the first Nicolas Cage movie that I have ever been excited to see. The Rock doesn't count. That's a Sean Connery/Ed Harris co-op. Nic Cage just happened to have the starring role. It was a fluke. He's a miserable actor, and I think that the Academy was all hopped up on charlie sheen (the alleged drug, not the man, also named Charlie Sheen) when he won his Oscar. I did like him in Kick-Ass, but there's an exception to everything. Basically, I'm saying that he's bunk at acting.

Acting! Emotion! Looking like he has to take a two-sie.

Here's the thing: DAi3D (for those of us in the know) is the first time I've ever been suped (yes, suped) for a Nic Cage movie. But why? Good question imaginary reader. This movie looks terrible. Like, really, really, really painful to watch. Cringe worthy, even. And I have a fascination for terrible movies. Not bad movies, like the remake of Nightmare on Elm Street (as good as Jackie Earle Haley was), but movies that are so bad and so Velveeta that they're good...in the sense that they bring entertainment and hilarious unintentional comedy, not actually good. See Ed Wood's work and those creature features from the drive-in era for examples.

I find this gun barrel hard to comprehend.

What I present to you now is my review of Drive Angry 3D, before I see it. Because I have a feeling that it would be so much worse and probably more violent after I see it. Mind you, this is what I think the movie is about. I really have no idea. If I did, I would probably be Typing Angry in 4D (is that the dimension we're in?).

Like the rage that fills me when I see this hair...

So, in DAi3D, Nic Cage is dead(?), and because he was an awful person, he is living his afterlife in Hell. Makes sense, I guess. Umm...it seems like a wacky cult full of colorful characters take his baby daughter or granddaughter or niece or... Anyways, this cult is going to sacrifice her to the dark lord Satan. Or Cthulhu. Oh, it would be so cool if it was Cthulhu.

You can see Cthulhu poised atop his head here.

Well, Nic Cage won't just burn in Hell and let that happen. Because he knows what's going on, as Hell has giant flat-screens all over that air the goings on of what's happening in the land of the living (not only is it in HD, but it's also in...3D!) So, because you can do this, he breaks out of Hell. Because Hell is like one of those low security, weekend pass, country club prisons where guards don't even carry weapons.

But he does it...in 3D!

It seems like he teams up with some woman (read: girl) he knew when he was alive. Or it could be another inmate in Hell. Or just some random hooker who loves violence and driving. Angry. In 3D!

Leeeeeecherrrrryyyyyy.

So while he's off being an outlaw from Hell, kicking ass and making things blow up (in 3D!) with or without some possible demon hooker as his partner, I guess the Devil, or his boyfriend, or his biffle, or his Bro Montana, or like a Hellion bounty hunter is out to bring Nic Cage back to Hell. This part is played by legitimately awesome actor William Fichtner.

Dude...why are you in this?

My guess is that Nic Cage winds up saving the baby. There are tons of explosions and driving. Angry. In 3D! And there's an ending which leaves room for a sequel that should never, but, woefully, will probably happen, even though this movie has already tanked at the box office.

Unless he looks like this in the sequel. Then it should be made.

Overall review:
     Movie - Negative 5 out of 5 Stars
     Bad Hair - 17 out of 5 Receding Mullets
     In 3D!-ness - 3 out of 5 Explosions
Basically, I'm hoping to be entertained, but I'm not expecting it. My only fear is that it will go down the route of nightmrae fodder, like so much Nicolas Cage-ness of yesteryear.

Like if Burton had gone through with his Superman movie.