Green Lantern: The Pre-Review

Fake suit. Real abs. Really fake mask.

Oh, I am so very much looking forward to this movie. Like, really really. In case you haven't noticed, I'm a big GL fan, coming in second on my list, just after Barry Allen. Now, I know it'll make a lot of money, and it's heavy use of CGI is a necessary evil, as the effects just aren't doable using practical SFX. My problem is with the story. My fear (pun!) with the film is that it just won't be accessible to non-GL fans. Now, sure, we get the origin story: A young Hal sees his father die in a plane accident, then washes out of the Air Force for assaulting a superior officer so he can (fail to) see his dying mother, and then gets a job at Ferris Air because that's the only place for him to go and still be near planes. Abin Sur crash lands on Earth & orders his ring to find a successor. It locates Hal Jordan & summons him to Abin before he finally perishes, giving Jordan a few words of advice. Obvi. Hal putzes around for a little while, randomly learning how to randomly use the ring. That's all fine and good. But then the twosie hits the fan, and Hal is transported to the GL home-planet of Oa, which is populated by about 3599 different aliens. More if you count the Guardians. This is where I think the movie will lose non-fans. Anybody who knows anything about GL is that aliens play an overwhelmingly hulking role in the mythos and story. Unfortunately, through some horrifying flaw in humanity, people don't know Green Lantern like they do Batman (alternatively: Bat-Man) and, ugh, Superman. Which is why, I'm afraid (zing!) that the film adaptation of Green Lantern will leave most viewers reeling as if they just punched by the 'Wog.

I bet one half of the two people reading this did not get that reference.

I am praying that the movie is awesome, because the mythos is so ripe that sequels are a given. I just don't think that John Q. Public will be as accepting as they have for other heroes. The movie just seems too grand for an origin story and there will be a lot lost in the translation. Here's what I feel they should have done:


The story should follow the origin tale as I have posted above, but, instead of being transported to Oa, Thaal Sinestro should come to visit Hal on Earth, after hearing of his friend's death. From there, Sinestro teaches Jordan the basics of ringslinging and helps him repel an attack on Earth by Aliens that Abin Sur was trying to stop (or something like that). The aliens can be helped by Hector Hammond, who has been corrupted/advanced by coming in contact with a meteorite that was stuck in Abin Sur's ship. Once the hero saves the day, and only then, should Hal be brought to Oa and introduced to the Corps fully, thus leaving it open for the inevitable sequel, and satiating the Fanboys/Fangirls/Nerds out there.

I imagine this has something to do with Twilight.

Now perhaps I'm just bitter that there have been liberties taken in the CGI designs of some of my favorite GLC members. Maybe it's that I still don't like the uniforms that they wound up using for the movie. But I definitely don't like that they're using Parallax, the embodiment of fear, as the main villain of the movie. There should be a slow build to that. I'm sure Green Lantern will be a trilogy, so they should plant the seeds of Parallax in the first, expand on it in the second, and then have a big drawn out battle in the third. While the Green Lantern stories are near infinite, this first movie seems to have virtually depleted two of the best villains in one fell swoop. Obviously, Sinestro will be the Big Bad in one of the sequels, but who else are they going to use? Manhunters? Not a bad choice. Cyborg-Superman? Highly unlikely. Black Hand? Doubt it. Goldface? That'd be hilarious...terrible, but hilarious. Other Corps of the Light Spectrum? That would take some build-up. Oh, I know who they should use!

Sportsmaster! Your time has arrived!

Well, to be honest with you, this post has gotten away from me. You know, if you couldn't tell. So, without further ado, here's my pre-review breakdown for Green Lantern:


Movie: 4 out of 5 Stars
Abs: A solid 6 out of 6-pack
Greenness: Soooooo green!


Anyway, to sum it up, I'm totally stoked for this movie, but I'm a little worried that it won't be accessible to non-GL fans. But, hey, screw them. Everybody should be reading Green Lantern!

Drive Angry 3D - The Preview of a Review

How can you not want to see this?

So here's the deal: I have not seen Drive Angry in 3D(!) yet. But I will. And soon. This is the first Nicolas Cage movie that I have ever been excited to see. The Rock doesn't count. That's a Sean Connery/Ed Harris co-op. Nic Cage just happened to have the starring role. It was a fluke. He's a miserable actor, and I think that the Academy was all hopped up on charlie sheen (the alleged drug, not the man, also named Charlie Sheen) when he won his Oscar. I did like him in Kick-Ass, but there's an exception to everything. Basically, I'm saying that he's bunk at acting.

Acting! Emotion! Looking like he has to take a two-sie.

Here's the thing: DAi3D (for those of us in the know) is the first time I've ever been suped (yes, suped) for a Nic Cage movie. But why? Good question imaginary reader. This movie looks terrible. Like, really, really, really painful to watch. Cringe worthy, even. And I have a fascination for terrible movies. Not bad movies, like the remake of Nightmare on Elm Street (as good as Jackie Earle Haley was), but movies that are so bad and so Velveeta that they're good...in the sense that they bring entertainment and hilarious unintentional comedy, not actually good. See Ed Wood's work and those creature features from the drive-in era for examples.

I find this gun barrel hard to comprehend.

What I present to you now is my review of Drive Angry 3D, before I see it. Because I have a feeling that it would be so much worse and probably more violent after I see it. Mind you, this is what I think the movie is about. I really have no idea. If I did, I would probably be Typing Angry in 4D (is that the dimension we're in?).

Like the rage that fills me when I see this hair...

So, in DAi3D, Nic Cage is dead(?), and because he was an awful person, he is living his afterlife in Hell. Makes sense, I guess. Umm...it seems like a wacky cult full of colorful characters take his baby daughter or granddaughter or niece or... Anyways, this cult is going to sacrifice her to the dark lord Satan. Or Cthulhu. Oh, it would be so cool if it was Cthulhu.

You can see Cthulhu poised atop his head here.

Well, Nic Cage won't just burn in Hell and let that happen. Because he knows what's going on, as Hell has giant flat-screens all over that air the goings on of what's happening in the land of the living (not only is it in HD, but it's also in...3D!) So, because you can do this, he breaks out of Hell. Because Hell is like one of those low security, weekend pass, country club prisons where guards don't even carry weapons.

But he does it...in 3D!

It seems like he teams up with some woman (read: girl) he knew when he was alive. Or it could be another inmate in Hell. Or just some random hooker who loves violence and driving. Angry. In 3D!

Leeeeeecherrrrryyyyyy.

So while he's off being an outlaw from Hell, kicking ass and making things blow up (in 3D!) with or without some possible demon hooker as his partner, I guess the Devil, or his boyfriend, or his biffle, or his Bro Montana, or like a Hellion bounty hunter is out to bring Nic Cage back to Hell. This part is played by legitimately awesome actor William Fichtner.

Dude...why are you in this?

My guess is that Nic Cage winds up saving the baby. There are tons of explosions and driving. Angry. In 3D! And there's an ending which leaves room for a sequel that should never, but, woefully, will probably happen, even though this movie has already tanked at the box office.

Unless he looks like this in the sequel. Then it should be made.

Overall review:
     Movie - Negative 5 out of 5 Stars
     Bad Hair - 17 out of 5 Receding Mullets
     In 3D!-ness - 3 out of 5 Explosions
Basically, I'm hoping to be entertained, but I'm not expecting it. My only fear is that it will go down the route of nightmrae fodder, like so much Nicolas Cage-ness of yesteryear.

Like if Burton had gone through with his Superman movie.