Green Lantern: The Actual Review

I'm going to keep this brief. Like Hal Jordan's underwear when the Guardians are testing him on Oa.

Shazam!

While I wasn't blown away by the film (it is no Dark Knight, by any stretch), I had a great time watching it. While there was a ridiculous amount of CGI used, it wasn't that bad. It's a movie about a space cop & aliens. You can't have realistic looking practical SFX for that kind of thing. It gets a pass, and the costumes are even growing on me. Now, as a self-admitted GL nerd, every time there was an inconsistency with the original source material (or comic books, if you want to be an asshat about the specifics), I made a (usually) silent comment about it under my breath. But that didn't take away from the story. The way I see it, just like if you watch a movie based off of a good book, you have to keep the source material & the film separate. The books are one entity. The film, another. After watching it in that mindset, here's what I thought:


Movie: 3.75 out of 5 Stars
Abs: 6 out of 6-pack (nailed it!)
Greenness: Just really, really green. Vibrant, really.


What you have to remember with this movie is that it's (supposed to be) the first in a series of Green Lantern films. Maybe this (like the Marvel film series - minus X-Men & Spider-Man) will be used to as a cornerstone for the oft-talked about/oft-beleaguered/cash machine waiting to happen that is the Justice League film that, I'm sure, is on DC/WB's radar. And there's a very good chance that it'll be fast-tracked if (read: when) Marvel's Avengers makes so many dollar bills next year. But getting back to my point: Green Lantern is an origin story. It's supposed to introduce the audience to Hal Jordan, the ring, Sinestro,  Kilowog, and the rest of the Corps (I even saw Stel!). It did this job admirably. And [SPOILER ALERT] it had a great set-up for the Sinestro Corps that'll clearly play a role in the sequel(s).

Do your research, people.

Is the film perfect? No. It has some flaws. Is it a solid actioneer that does GL justice & provide entertainment for a wide range of moviegoers? Yes. I suggest you go see it, but know that if you're disappointed, the next one will get better.

Also: there'll be a chance of seeing Blake

Lively dressed like this.

On a side note: I found it an interesting choice for the artists of the Flashpoint (and its tie-in comics) mini-series to use the movie version of Abin Sur & Sinestro's looks, instead of their classic portrayals. Hmm...very clever timing, DC. Very cleaver.

Green Lantern: The Pre-Review

Fake suit. Real abs. Really fake mask.

Oh, I am so very much looking forward to this movie. Like, really really. In case you haven't noticed, I'm a big GL fan, coming in second on my list, just after Barry Allen. Now, I know it'll make a lot of money, and it's heavy use of CGI is a necessary evil, as the effects just aren't doable using practical SFX. My problem is with the story. My fear (pun!) with the film is that it just won't be accessible to non-GL fans. Now, sure, we get the origin story: A young Hal sees his father die in a plane accident, then washes out of the Air Force for assaulting a superior officer so he can (fail to) see his dying mother, and then gets a job at Ferris Air because that's the only place for him to go and still be near planes. Abin Sur crash lands on Earth & orders his ring to find a successor. It locates Hal Jordan & summons him to Abin before he finally perishes, giving Jordan a few words of advice. Obvi. Hal putzes around for a little while, randomly learning how to randomly use the ring. That's all fine and good. But then the twosie hits the fan, and Hal is transported to the GL home-planet of Oa, which is populated by about 3599 different aliens. More if you count the Guardians. This is where I think the movie will lose non-fans. Anybody who knows anything about GL is that aliens play an overwhelmingly hulking role in the mythos and story. Unfortunately, through some horrifying flaw in humanity, people don't know Green Lantern like they do Batman (alternatively: Bat-Man) and, ugh, Superman. Which is why, I'm afraid (zing!) that the film adaptation of Green Lantern will leave most viewers reeling as if they just punched by the 'Wog.

I bet one half of the two people reading this did not get that reference.

I am praying that the movie is awesome, because the mythos is so ripe that sequels are a given. I just don't think that John Q. Public will be as accepting as they have for other heroes. The movie just seems too grand for an origin story and there will be a lot lost in the translation. Here's what I feel they should have done:


The story should follow the origin tale as I have posted above, but, instead of being transported to Oa, Thaal Sinestro should come to visit Hal on Earth, after hearing of his friend's death. From there, Sinestro teaches Jordan the basics of ringslinging and helps him repel an attack on Earth by Aliens that Abin Sur was trying to stop (or something like that). The aliens can be helped by Hector Hammond, who has been corrupted/advanced by coming in contact with a meteorite that was stuck in Abin Sur's ship. Once the hero saves the day, and only then, should Hal be brought to Oa and introduced to the Corps fully, thus leaving it open for the inevitable sequel, and satiating the Fanboys/Fangirls/Nerds out there.

I imagine this has something to do with Twilight.

Now perhaps I'm just bitter that there have been liberties taken in the CGI designs of some of my favorite GLC members. Maybe it's that I still don't like the uniforms that they wound up using for the movie. But I definitely don't like that they're using Parallax, the embodiment of fear, as the main villain of the movie. There should be a slow build to that. I'm sure Green Lantern will be a trilogy, so they should plant the seeds of Parallax in the first, expand on it in the second, and then have a big drawn out battle in the third. While the Green Lantern stories are near infinite, this first movie seems to have virtually depleted two of the best villains in one fell swoop. Obviously, Sinestro will be the Big Bad in one of the sequels, but who else are they going to use? Manhunters? Not a bad choice. Cyborg-Superman? Highly unlikely. Black Hand? Doubt it. Goldface? That'd be hilarious...terrible, but hilarious. Other Corps of the Light Spectrum? That would take some build-up. Oh, I know who they should use!

Sportsmaster! Your time has arrived!

Well, to be honest with you, this post has gotten away from me. You know, if you couldn't tell. So, without further ado, here's my pre-review breakdown for Green Lantern:


Movie: 4 out of 5 Stars
Abs: A solid 6 out of 6-pack
Greenness: Soooooo green!


Anyway, to sum it up, I'm totally stoked for this movie, but I'm a little worried that it won't be accessible to non-GL fans. But, hey, screw them. Everybody should be reading Green Lantern!

Why I Would Be the Worst Green Lantern Ever

I'm telling you Kilowog, there must be some kind of mistake...

I've written about the Green Lantern and the GLC, as well as the multiple other Corps that rely on the Emotional Spectrum for power multiple times. Here's the thing though: I know, deep in my heart, that I would never make it as a Green Lantern. If it were a real thing, I would never get a ring, and even, through some clerical error or something, if I did, it would end poorly for me and either the ring would fail me when most needed, or, more likely, I would fail it.

Just like this hunk of cannon fodder.

Now, I know you (imaginary readers) must be saying "But why? With somebody so knowledgeable about the Emotional Spectrum, you would surely be able to master the Emerald Light." Well yes, I am pretty awesome, but being knowledgeable about and being able to control the different aspects of the Emotional Spectrum are too entirely separate animals completely. As I've told somebody very close to me recently, "My willpower is for sh*t when it comes to you."

Though I can wield a mystical green flame

like you wouldn't believe.

And it's so painfully true. There is a reason that so many GLs wash out in the comic books. Mastering willpower is next to impossible. There's a reason I've been a mostly unfocused, overweight guy my whole life. And it all circles back to my willpower being sh*t. But, that doesn't mean I could never be a great Corpsman. Just, you know, not the Green Lantern type...

But I could be one step closer to the Great One.

No, not the Rock.

Without trying (yet still succeeding) to sound pretentious, I've been told that I am full of both hope and compassion, which would lend me well to be a member of either the the Blue Lantern Corps or the Indigo Tribe. I am definitely more hopeful than I am compassionate. Wellllllllllllllll, maybe as a whole, though I have a deep, extremely strong sense of compassion, but only for a select few. But my selectiveness pretty much bars me from membership to the Indigo Tribe. My overt optimism and belief that "all will be well" definitely leaves me better suited to the BLC.

My politics are my own. This is not an endorsement

of President Obama. It is, on the other hand, hilarious.

Another Corps I could possibly see myself in would be the Star Sapphires. Now, that may sound like an odd choice, but 1) induction into a Corps is rarely a choice, & B) I have my arguments as to why. While yes, as of this date, there has yet to be any males in the Star Sapphires Corps, comic Christ Geoff Johns has noted that men can become Star Sapphires, there just hasn't been one yet. I can't help but think of what the outfit might look like though. The current Star Sapphires have quite revealing outfits. But what are some possibilities for men in the SSC? Would they look a bit like the Predator, the embodiment of Love in the DCU?

I'm not really digging the helmet.

And the bondage thing is iffy, at best.

After a mostly horrifying Google image search, which I very, truly suggest you do not do, I have found a shocking amount of (once again) mostly horrifying fan made costumes. There was one I found that isn't too horrible though. I mean, it isn't great, either, but whatevs.

Real men wear pink. Does that hold true with violet?

My biggest problem is with the mask. I get it. It resembles the crown-like deal that is synonymous with the Star Sapphires. But still. Then again, if the SSC is anything like the GLC, then the bearer of the ring could change the appearance of that person's respective costume any way that person chooses. Sure we haven't seen it as of yet, but if it lends to both the GLC & the BLC, then why not the Star Sapphires too?

It looks great on Carol Ferris, but I don't think

I could pull it off. Not sure why. Just a hunch.

Basically, all I'm saying is that I'd be a wash of a Green Lantern, but I do think I'd thrive as a Blue Lantern or the first male Star Sapphire. While either one of these possibilities would be great, I'd still always want to be a GL. But, with the far inferior command of willpower...

Let me remind you what would happen.

Hal Jordan: A Burden on the (DCU's) American Taxpayers

Recharge.

Captain Harold "Highball" Jordan, USAF. Former employee of Ferris Aircraft. Green Lantern of Space Sector 2814. He's been called the Greatest of the Green Lanterns and the scourge of the universe. He. Is. Awesome.

Ryan Reynold's outfit? Not so much.

Since he was a young boy, all Hal Jordan wanted to do was fly. Even witnessing his father's death in an experimental plane demonstration as a boy, Hal's will to conquer the skies never wavered.

Unlike Speedy's need to ride the H-train.

He ran away from home the day he was old enough to join the Air Force. Never being one to quit, he got himself kicked out because he wanted to see his mother on her deathbed. He was late. Tragedy number 2. Ostracized by half of his remaining family, Hal had nowhere to go, not even the skies. That is, of course, until Carol Ferris needed a pilot that didn't care what others thought.

It was the birth of a great love story.

But like all things in Hal's life, it too would not last.

Love hurts. Sometimes a whole lot.

Luckily, there's been a shining beacon in his life for a long time: the eternal flame of the Green Lantern Corps and the blinding green light of his power ring. While working for Ferris Air, Hal was summoned to the desert to take the mantle of Green Lantern of Space Sector 2814 from a dying Abin Sur. He was then brought to the planet Oa, center of the universe & home to the Guardians of the Universe and Green Lantern Corps. There he was taught to "ring sling" by Kilowog, the awesomest dude ever.

He's the ginormous boar-looking dude.

But Hal only really started to excel as a Lantern when he was taken under the wing of his predecessor's protege, the (at the time) Greatest Green Lantern: Sinestro.

King Kong ain't got $#!* on him.

Time goes on, and Hal exposes Sinestro as a tyrant who is ruling his sector with an iron fist. Sinestro is banished from the Corps, but more importantly, his bromance with Hal is dunzo. Also: he gets a yellow power ring. Another also: at this point in time, GL rings were ineffective against the color yellow. You can see how this could be a problem.

Unlike Green Arrow's boxing glove arrow.

It only works against your dignity.

Aaaaaand glass jaws.

More time goes by. Hal & Oliver Queen road trip and are social conscious. Superman bites it. In the wake of that, a group of false Supermen arose. Well, here's the thing: apparently, if you say you're Superman, people aren't very skeptical. They totally should have been. The Cyborg-Superman (not to be confused with Cyborg, the Teen Titan) teamed up with Mongul (an intergalactic warlord who has crossed paths with the GLs and Superman in the past) and destroyed Hal's hometown of Coast City. Millions of people, friends, family. Gone in an instant. And, for the first time since Hal's father died, he felt fear. And Parallax made his move.

Like Cassius Clay, he's a bad man.

Infected by the yellow (read: Fear) entity Parallax, Hal pretty much decimated the Green Lantern Corps and was pretty much just a pain in everybody's ass. After basically screwing over everybody in the DCU, Hal's true self broke through the entity's hold on him, and he sacrificed himself to reignite the sun.

As comic book characters rarely stay dead, Hal came back, but not as a Green Lantern. He became the host of God's Spirit of Vengeance, the Spectre.

Even as an ethereal wraith, he still couldn't drop the Lantern schtick.

Hal's tenure as the Spectre was relatively short, and, in fact, tried to turn the Spectre's mission of vengeance into one of redemption. Ultimately, the Spectre entity purged Parallax from Hal's soul. Thusly, Hal rejoined the land of the living...somehow. Still searching to atone for his sins, he helped rebuild the GL Corps. He fought in the Sinestro Corps War, survived the Blackest Night, and is in the midst of his Brightest Day.

Well, not the brightest outlook.

So, why the Hell did I call this article "A Burden on the (DCU's) American Taxpayers"? For one simple fact, that brings this article full circle: Hal Jordan is a member of the USAF. What does that mean? Salary. Healthcare. Government supported housing. So many other things. Plus, the destruction of oh so much public property. Who pays for it? I'll tell you who: John Q. Public, that's who! The GLC doesn't shell out the ducats to cover damage done while fight intergalactic beings on Earth. The Guardians of the Universe aren't spackling ring construct sized holes in buildings. Sure, the four GL's from Earth sometimes help with the reconstruction, but construction workers (who I'm sure have ties to shady government officials. I blame the unions.) are still involved, who get fat contracts from Uncle Sam. What's worse, is that Hal Jordan's superior knows he's a Green Lantern. He lets Hal take off for extended periods of time, without ever bringing up suspension of pay and benefits. Hal Jordan is suckling from the teet of the American public. Yes, he provides a great service to the world, but so does the Martian Manhunter, Superman, et all. They aren't getting kickbacks from the US government.

Thief.

PS - After Barry Allen, Hal Jordan is my favorite.