Review: Prometheus

Clearly this is one of them feel-good movies.

Prometheus is the return to a universe that Ridley Scott created way back in 1979 with Alien (which is still the most terrifying film ever made. I defy you to find one scarier). The genesis of the film began years ago, with Scott & Aliens director James Cameron collaborating together to make a film that would probably have been described as a "pants-shittingly scary action-fest." Sadly, this never saw fruition as AVP: Alien vs Predator was green-lit instead, and what a colossal let down that was (at least they had Lance Henriksen playing Charles Bishop Weyland as a nod to the fans). Scott refined the original idea he had been working on and thus Prometheus was born.

If you're looking for a film full of rapey dick-aliens, sorry, brah.

So, it'd be easy to say that Prometheus is a prequel to Alien, then, right? Well... I mean, it is set in the same universe as the Alien series (but so is the Predator series, as well as Joss Whedon's Firefly and Angel, which also means Buffy is in the same universe, and so on & so forth). Also, it takes place between 2089-2093, which means that it also takes place before Alien. So it HAS to be a prequel. Yeah, but not really. It's complicated. Let's just say that the films are so closely related, and while watching one adds so much more substance to the other, they are more than able to stand on their own as separate film series (serieses? serisess? seri? I just don't know any more).

It should be known that this image is integral to both.

Long story short, Prometheus is the "God question." Not only does the Greek story of the Titan Prometheus lend it's name to the film, as well as the ship, but the story itself. Prometheus was the being that created and championed mankind, only to be punished for his transgressions. A lone figure standing against the gods. And THAT, gentle readers, is the closest I'm coming to a plot summary for the movie. It should also be stated that the ever amazing Michael Fassbender played the android David 8 with amazing grace, poise, and child-like wonder. [POSSIBLE MINOR SPOILER, BUT ONLY IF YOU'RE A SLIGHT MORON] Yes, the Alien franchise staple of androids full of milk-blood is included. [END SPOILER] I've even created a mathematical equation to explain David 8's personality:

Take Ash from Alien (minus the homicidal personality)

  PLUS

 ST:TNG's Data's wonderment

PLUS

Bishop from Aliens's Loyalty

 EQUALS

This handsome son of a bitch.

And now, the numbers:

Film: 4.5 out of 5 Stars
Suspensefulness: 4 out of 5 Butts on the Edges of Seats

Grandeur: 12 out of 5 Glowing Fassbender Smiles

I wish that my hair will one day be as immaculate as his.

NOTE: If you're looking for a pants-crappingly terrifying film on the same lines as Alien, you're SOL, this ain't it. If you want to see a breathtakingly beautiful & expansive science fiction tale that will keep you in suspense, this does happen to fit the bill. I suggest you see it in IMAX & (Flying Spaghetti Monster, forgive me) 3D. Yeah...I just advocated 3D.

Review: Dead Hooker In A Trunk. Also: Meet the Soska Sisters

One of the top 5 posters ever. Fact.

After having to wait, and wait, and wait, and wait, I finally got Dead Hooker in a Trunk from Netflix. It had been sitting at the top of my DVD queue for weeks with that dreaded "Very Long Wait" notification next to it, which, needless to say, left me quite disheartened. Thusly, when it showed up in my mailbox, I was quite thrilled. Looking back at the last few sentences, it may be one of the most poorly constructed paragraphs I've ever written. And for that, I'm sorry. Let me kind of start this again.

Meet your new indie flick masters...mistresses...wait, that sounds pretty S&M-ish...

Dead Hooker in a Trunk was written, directed, & produced by the "Twisted Twins," Jen and Sylvia Soska, who also star in the film. Right there shows the dedication that these two women have for their vision, not to mention their craft as a whole. Saying that the film was made on a shoestring budget would be like saying Kristen Stewart has an expansive range of emotions. But the Soska Twins make it work. In fact, the lessons learned from Robert Rodriguez's book "Rebel Without a Crew" (a book that also shares space on my bookshelf) are quite evident. And boy, do these ladies make sure that they get every last bang for their buck.

I feel that trying to explain this picture will ruin the amazingness of this scene. Also: don't ask about the duct tape over Jen's eye. Nobody likes spoilers.

Let me vague up a summary for the three people who read this: The film deals with two sisters (and their respective friends) that find a hooker. Dead. In their trunk. I can only describe what happens after is a series of unfortunate events. Crap, that was a Daniel Handler (Lemony Snicket) book. I'll just toss out some buzz words to pique your interest (if, for some reason, it isn't already): dismemberment, disembowelment, cyclops, home dentistry, twinning, sociopaths, sheep-lover, muscle car, serial killer, chainsaw-wielding Asians.

Cowboy Pimps. Almost forgot Cowboy Pimps.

And now, the numbers:

Film - 4 out of 5 Stars

Awesomeness - 7 out of 5 Jon Hamms (face it: nobody's as awesome as Hamm)

Grindhouse-i-ness - 5 out of 5 Overexposed, Scratchy Reels

Clearly, I can't say enough about this movie.

I can't wait for this to come out.

American Mary is their next project, which was just shown at Cannes.Unlike the grindhouse/exploitation feel of Dead Hooker, Mary is going to be a horror flick. Made by Canadian Twins. Who grew up reading the work of Stephen King. The Soska Sisters might be the best people ever. It's going to be awesome.

Now, I went to school for film, but haven't produced (well, finished) anything since college, which is a shame, because this film made me remember how much I love it.  So there's a good chance that I'm going to be going back to working like a mad man on my shockingly historically accurate Nazi Western script. And for that, I want to say thank you to Sylvia & Jen.

Also, if anybody who reads this (so nobody) knows of any comic artists that are looking for an awesome project to work on, have them get in contact with me.

Anywho, go see it, be it Netflix or through IFC Midnight or better yet: buy it on Amazon. I just did last night. Like 20 minutes after I finished watching the movie. For realsies. Should be getting here Wednesday. While you wait for the DVD to get to you, follow the Soska's exploits on their website, their Blog, or follow them on Twitter @twisted_twins.

Review: The Cabin in the Woods

The Cabin in the Woods is a movie that I've been waiting to see for years. Literally. It was originally supposed to come out in 2010, but it's distributor went the way of the dodo. Then, the geniuses at Lionsgate wanted to convert the film into a needless 3D conversion (and after seeing it, I can say that a 3D conversion would have not only been unneeded, but pointless) that the filmmakers vehemently fought against. *NOTE: They actually won, and the film was released in it's originally intended 2D.* Finally, it was released on Friday, April 13. Spoiler Alert: it was well worth the wait.

And it stars a clean-cut Thor!

Joss Whedon & Drew Goddard deconstructed just about every horror movie since the genesis of the slasher when they wrote (and Goddard directed) this picture, and they did it such a way that makes you never have to see a "horror" film again...but, if you do, you gain an extra layer of enjoyment.

Yup. These schmucks.

What makes this movie work is the intertwining stories. Now, on the surface, you have the cliched story of five college friends (of not-so-surprisingly-familiar stereotypes) that head out to a cabin...that happens to be in the woods...for a weekend of fun & drinking...and probably drugs & sex. Sounds familiar, right? Fantastic! That's the point. The other story is about a group of employees of a...well...that'd be more spoilery than I want to get. The thing is, the audience really has no clue what they are doing for a good part of the film, except that they are keeping tabs on and influencing the college kids' decisions.

That IS Oscar nominated Richard Jenkins in front of a white board that says "Angry Molesting Tree" on it!

As the film goes on, the kids realize that things aren't what they seem. They also start dying. But things don't go as predicted, and it's up to the two "administrators" that have been monitoring them (played hilariously by the aforementioned Richard Jenkins & Bradley Whitford) to make sure they all die. Hijinx ensues. No, seriously, this movie is so unbelievably funny. And it has a sick cast.

It does get a little creepy-wierd at points, but the good kind.

Without further ado, here is the review:

Movie: 5 out of 5 Stars

Whedonesque-ness: 5 out of 5 Beloved Characters that are Tragically Murdered

Woodsiness: 5 out of 5 "Scarecrow Folk"

Once again: Whiteboard that says "Angry Molesting Tree!"

Go see it. Twice. No, wait. See it thrice.

REVIEW: Torchwood: Miracle Day "The New World"

Something something ticking time bomb something something.

"The 21st Century is when everything changes." These are the immortal words that Captain Jack Harkness tells Gwen Cooper in "Everything Changes," the premiere episode of Torchwood. Never has this been more true than with the premiere episode of Miracle Day. What would happen if death was a thing of the past? Disease, illness, injury, pain...they all still exist. But death? Death takes an extended holiday. All I know is that, one-tenth of the way into the story, it is quite the "What if?"

If you don't recognize three of these people, it's cool.

They're already dead. Oops. Spoilers.

Now, even if you haven't seen an episode, you've surely heard on Doctor Who. Torchwood, a spin-off of the show, may be completely alien to you, though (Pun!). So, before I start the review, let me give you a very brief, probably totally spoiler-ridden synopsis of what Torchwood is, and what you've sadly missed.

This. I mean, other stuff too, but most importantly this.

The Torchwood Institute was founded (in the Whoniverse) in 1879 by Queen Victoria, after an incident with the Tenth Doctor, Rose Tyler, & werewolf-like creatures. Clearly, she was not amused & had the Institute created to defend Great Britain against alien threats. Throughout the years, TWI collected an array of alien technology, eventually retrofitting it and putting it to use for the glory of Britain. Eventually, five Torchwood divisions were created. Torchwood One was based in the Canary Wharf section of London, though it owned many a holdings throughout the city. Unlike Torchwood Three (which I'll get to soon), TW1 was lead by a group of people who saw all aliens as bad, and hoped to get as much alien tech as they could, regardless of the consequences.

Also, to quote Tommy Saxondale, she's "a bit of a dick."

They pretty much all got killed, and, thusly, TW1's doors were closed for good. Huzzah. AnyWho, Torchwood Two is the original headquarters for the TWI. The entire Institute was named for Torchwood House, later renamed TW2. Not too much is known about it, except that before its apparent closure sometime before September 2009, it was run by a really strange man who may or may have not been named Archie. Torchwood Three is the TWI that the television show is based on, which is set in Cardiff, Wales. Why Cardiff, you ask? Good question. Real answer: DW & TW are filmed in Cardiff. It's always easier for the stories to be set where the show is being filmed. Less inconsistencies. Canon answer: Cardiff is located on a spacetime rift, so TW3 was built to contain, maintain, and protect the inevitable spills from said rift. It is lead by Captain Jack Harkness, and consists of Gwen Cooper, Dr. Owen Harper, Toshiko Sato, Ianto Jones, and, at one point, Suzie Costello & Dr. Martha Jones (no relation). Captain Jack was "coerced" into TW service in 1899, though this is an older version of Captain Jack than is seen in DW's "The Empty Child." Just accept it. It's all wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff. Though that team is originally shown as also bing dickish, Captain Jack is able to change the view of TW3 & tries to reimagine it more in The Doctor's image.

James Marsters shows up, too. Also?

Totally gay for each other. But it's cool. Their "omnisexual."

That's totally a thing.

Torchwood Four was lost. Not to an alien attack or whatnot. It's officially "missing" and has been since at least 1941. Finally, there's Torchwood India, formerly located in Delhi. It was closed by Captain Jack in 1924, right before the Raj lost power. In the "Torchwood employees are "bit of...dick[s]" department, TWIndia employees apparently tried to turn the 2009 world back to 1924 using some do-dad (wibbly-wobbly again). They were stopped, and TWIndia was officially closed for business. So, basically, awesome stuffed happened in the first two seasons, leading up to the epic miniseries TW: Children of Earth, which comprised season 3. In it, we find that back in the day, Captain Jack delivered a dozen British children to the collective known as the 456 (four-five-six, not four hundered fifty-six). They came back, and refused to take any less than 10% of the world's population of children. In an attempt to stop word getting out of their previous involvement with the 456, the British government starts liquidating those still alive that had a hand in the exchange, Captain Jack, especially. Due to this, Torchwood is closed and Gwen, Jack, & Ianto are branded outlaws. And everybody lives happily ever after. Oh wait...nope. That's not he way it ends. Also, Gwen gets pregnant. And Captain Jack's been immortal the entire time. That's important as all get out.

Hero.

Also, I'm sure he draws the line at bombs...

The Review
Miracle Day opens on the lethal injection of a child molester/murderer played by Bill "This is our Independence Day" Pullman. Therefore, for the duration, I will be referring to him as Molester Bill Pullman. Anyway, the lethal injection doesn't stick, just really, really hurts him.

"Address the nation. There's gonna be a lot of frightened people out there."

That's from ID4.

Turns out, nobody's dying, and it's up to the remnants of the Torchwood team (Captain Jack & Gwen) to figure out why. This, along with a blast message saying only "Torchwood" to the world's clandestine government agencies, cause CIA agent Rex Matheson, with help from analyst Esther Drummond, to hunt down Jack & Gwen to solve this problem. Also, when Captain Jack gets injured, he doesn't heal right away. In a world where death isn't an issue, the immortal man is the only one who can die.

It's awesome, but when people are shooting RPGs out

of Defenders, who cares about the plot, good as it may be?

Though I wasn't really feeling the initial few scenes with the US constituents of the cast, they started to grow on me. I'm sure I'll come to like them, except for Molester Bill Pullman, over the next few weeks. I'm digging the fact that, as of now, Rex is a classic example of one of the worst kinds of Americans abroad: loud, brash, and a know-it-all, and how he clashes with the TW team. More importantly, I love how the writers made a point to show that, unlike the Captain Jack of the past, while people can no longer die, they don't have fast, regenerative powers. A man exploded, yet he was still, somehow alive. But Jack, well, Jack gets a bruise, or a cut, and we don't even know if good ol' Captain Jack will heal from that.

The new Torchwood team, being all

American with their guns drawn.

I simply cannot wait until the next episode. You should be watching this.

I mean, look how happy that baby is.

Green Lantern: The Actual Review

I'm going to keep this brief. Like Hal Jordan's underwear when the Guardians are testing him on Oa.

Shazam!

While I wasn't blown away by the film (it is no Dark Knight, by any stretch), I had a great time watching it. While there was a ridiculous amount of CGI used, it wasn't that bad. It's a movie about a space cop & aliens. You can't have realistic looking practical SFX for that kind of thing. It gets a pass, and the costumes are even growing on me. Now, as a self-admitted GL nerd, every time there was an inconsistency with the original source material (or comic books, if you want to be an asshat about the specifics), I made a (usually) silent comment about it under my breath. But that didn't take away from the story. The way I see it, just like if you watch a movie based off of a good book, you have to keep the source material & the film separate. The books are one entity. The film, another. After watching it in that mindset, here's what I thought:


Movie: 3.75 out of 5 Stars
Abs: 6 out of 6-pack (nailed it!)
Greenness: Just really, really green. Vibrant, really.


What you have to remember with this movie is that it's (supposed to be) the first in a series of Green Lantern films. Maybe this (like the Marvel film series - minus X-Men & Spider-Man) will be used to as a cornerstone for the oft-talked about/oft-beleaguered/cash machine waiting to happen that is the Justice League film that, I'm sure, is on DC/WB's radar. And there's a very good chance that it'll be fast-tracked if (read: when) Marvel's Avengers makes so many dollar bills next year. But getting back to my point: Green Lantern is an origin story. It's supposed to introduce the audience to Hal Jordan, the ring, Sinestro,  Kilowog, and the rest of the Corps (I even saw Stel!). It did this job admirably. And [SPOILER ALERT] it had a great set-up for the Sinestro Corps that'll clearly play a role in the sequel(s).

Do your research, people.

Is the film perfect? No. It has some flaws. Is it a solid actioneer that does GL justice & provide entertainment for a wide range of moviegoers? Yes. I suggest you go see it, but know that if you're disappointed, the next one will get better.

Also: there'll be a chance of seeing Blake

Lively dressed like this.

On a side note: I found it an interesting choice for the artists of the Flashpoint (and its tie-in comics) mini-series to use the movie version of Abin Sur & Sinestro's looks, instead of their classic portrayals. Hmm...very clever timing, DC. Very cleaver.

Drive Angry 3D - The Update of the Preview of a Review

So I just got home from seeing Drive Angry. In 3-Dimensions!!! The movie was terrible, in terms of quality. But it was awesome. It was over the top with a ridiculous plot. But the fact that it was performed with such sincerity (aside from Billy Fichtner, who clearly knew this was a merely a payday and was campy amazingness) that makes it even better.

P.I.M.P.

Also, Amber Heard is plays a cop killing ex-waitress. Updating the overall review now that I've seen it:
      Movie - 2 out of 5 Stars
      Bad Hair - 12 out of 5 Receding Mullets
      In 3D!!!-ness - 5 out of 5 Explosions

Awesomeness - 78 out of 5 Billy Fichtners