Review: The Avengers

High Fashion

Oh...wait, that's not right...

That's better.

All I can say about Joss Whedon's The Avengers is "Wow." I think that it's the perfect climax to what the five Avenger-verse films (Iron Man, Iron Man 2, The Incredible Hulk, Thor, & Captain America: The First Avenger) had been building towards. I don't want to give away any spoilers, so I'll keep this short and sweet.

When is RDJ not a (loveable) doucher?

The Avengers is the giant "Screw you! Do you see what happens when you let me do my thing, Hollywood?" from Joss Whedon that has been festering for years. Aside from his Oscar nomination for being one of the writers of Toy Story (he was the one who made you actually care about the toys), his track record in Hollywood has been spotty, at best. Most of the time, his scripts get butchered by needless rewrites or directors changing things during shooting (Buffy the Vampire Slayer & Alien: Resurrection come to mind), or his films are box office bombs, regardless of how good they are (Serenity & Titan: A.E.).

Don't remember this? Yeah, most don't.

If there's one thing that Whedon knows, it's how to become the darling of Nerdom. If there is a close second, it's how to properly make an ensemble piece. The Avengers is just more proof of that. He takes great pains to be true to each character, without weakening them to make the others shine. Though...

Oh look, Tony Stark's being a dick to the potential timebomb. Shock.

With limited screen time, Whedon has finally given the Hulk his due. You finally see the fallout of what Banner really has to deal with: not the wanton damage he causes while fighting off enemies, but the collateral damage and unrestrained terror that he causes to his allies. Unlike the previous two films based on the character, Whedon uses The Avengers as a way to not tell, but actually show Banner's greatest fear. and IT. IS. AWESOME. 

Avengers: Assemble...biatch.

Listen, I could gush about this movie all day I could go over why it's the single greatest film of all time (biggest opening weekend, biggest 2nd weekend, beloved by critics & audiences alike, audiences full of multi-time viewers, doesn't really solely on IMAX & 3D as money-making gimmicks, damn funny, damn entertaining, 93% at Rotten Tomatoes, etc.), but I don't want to get into any specifics. So, let's get to numbers:

Movie - 5 out of 5 Stars

Awesomeness - 5 out of 5 Undies Peed in Due to Glee

Hulk Smashes - ALL OF THE HULK SMASHES!!!!

Heehee...this makes me giggle.

Listen, if you are reading this article, I'm sure you've already seen the movie. That's cool. Go see it again. If you haven't seen it yet, what the Hell? Do you live under a rock? GO SEE IT NOW! But, I digress. All I know is that everything seems to be coming up Milhouse for Joss Whedon in Hollywood this year: The Avengers is the biggest movie in the world, The Cabin in the Woods is a bona fide success, and his upcoming film, a black and white adaptation of Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing which he shot in 12 days...with a bunch of his friends...basically at his house, is one of the most hotly anticipated films to be shown at the Cannes Film Festival. The future's so bright, Whedon's got to wear shades. Which is a good idea, anyway...he's very pale.

Look at all the Whedon mainstays...

Fun Fact: Ashley Johnson is in Much Ado. She also played the waitress that Cap saves in the film's climax. More importantly, though, she played Chrissy Seaver on Growing Pains.

The Greatest Superhero Ever: A No Nonsense Look...Well, Maybe Some Nonsense.

Who's the greatest superhero?

I would watch this movie.

Is it the Man of Steel?

You let yourself go, Clark.

No way. Superman is perfect. He's a Boy Scout. In fact, the only flaw he really has (besides getting all wonky on Special K...Kryptonite, that is) is that he's kind of an a-hole. Don't believe me? Check it for yourself.

This is pretty mind blowing, though.

Is it the World's Greatest Detective?

And now it all makes sense...

It pains me to sat that Batman isn't the greatest superhero. He's awesome. Think about it for a minute. He's rich, brilliant, badass, and crazy like a fox. Born into a life of posh living and never having to lift a finger for the rest of his life, he chose to go off and train with the greatest teachers in the world, all so he could jump from rooftops in footie pajamas and beat up villains. Sure, there was some tragedy thrown in there to put him on track, but that's not what I'm talking about. He is the coolest superhero of all time, but he isn't the greatest.

I do believe this is actual documentation of his exploits, though.

Well, how about Cap?

He did give Hitler the business...

Captain America is timeless. He is the embodiment of the American dream. Let's look at that picture up there a little closer, shall we?

Yup. That IS a right cross, Adolf.

Yet, he got killed (as did Supes & the Bat), but when he came back, he chose not to reclaim the shield. Don't get me wrong, Steve Rogers is still fighting the good right in the Marvelverse, but he isn't the Cap anymore, and he loses points for that. Oh, one last thing:

Captain Steve Rogers: still punching Hitler after all these years.

Oooooookay...umm...the Merc with a Mouth?

Nobody else has a Corps made entirely of alternate versions of himself.

Deadpool is the greatest comic character ever created. He isn't the greatest superhero, though. In fact, it's hard to describe Deadpool as a superhero, as he's a mercenary who kills without regard, is shallow and self-absorbed, and is constantly hired by Hydra and other sinister groups. But one thing is for sure: he's fantastic. Just look...

He played "rochambeau" with Cap.

Cap only recently got his revenge.

He also can't believe Cap punched hitler in the face.

In fact, he & Cap are Marvel's Goofus & Gallant...

Maybe he's indie...like, hmmm...The Great Blue Yonder?

Yes Virginia, that is his battle cry.

Ben Edlund's The Tick is a tremendously funny satire on the superhero genre. It has spawned a cartoon, a short lived live-action show, a video game, and more. Unfortunately, both shows may have been a bit too meta for the majority of audiences. He's absurd, irreverent, and everything a city doesn't need in a protector...which makes him exactly what a comic reader wants.

Much like a child or kitten, he is distracted by shiny things.

But alas, he is also not the greatest superhero ever.

So, who is this great hero? Easy. It's none other than the Scarlet Speedster himself.

Fastest. Man. Alive.

I'm not talking about Jay. I'm not talking about Wally, or Bart, for that matter. No way. I mean Barry freaking Allen. THE Flash. He doesn't just ride the lightening, he is the lightening. I will go much, much more in depth about why Barry is so great tomorrow. But when you have the almighty Geoff Johns stating that Barry is the greatest hero, well, who the Hell are you to say otherwise? Oh, and he had the stones to say that in the New York Daily News.

Superman still has to look for a phone booth.