Let’s face it: the Fantastic Four is not so fantastic. In fact, they are pretty lame. I do have to hand it to Stan Lee, though, seeing as the “Less-than-Stellar Four” rolls off the tongue about as well as a one-legged man runs through quicksand, and, as we know, alliteration works. So I am here to put forth a new list of possibly Fantastic Foursomes, because a box of matches, a rock, a cellophane outline, and Stretch Armstrong just aren’t edgy enough for this modern day.
*Note: Some entries may be actual foursomes, while others will be a mix-n-match affair*
Option 1: Batman, Robin, Nightwing, & Batgirl
In this grouping, I am talking about the Bruce Wayne Batman, Tim Drake Robin, & Barbara Gordon Batgirl, first & foremost. So why this amalgamation of the Batman Family? If you asked that question, just close the browser. Seriously, get off of my blog. I am still going to answer this question, because I truly hope you are still reading. First off, Batman is the coolest. He’s an insane rich guy who, instead of wasting his money buying islands and jumping out of planes for fun (I’m looking at you, Richard Branson), he buys islands to turn into impenetrable fortresses (just in case his million other contingency plans fall through) and jumps out of planes to foil heists. Secondly, he’s awesome. Third, Batman has a genius level intellect, the detective skills of every successful investigator (real or imaginary) combined, and he can beat Superman in a fight. So it seems that this entry has turned into a Batman lovefest and not so much an explanation of the foursome idea. And so, Robin & Nightwing are there to “help out” in case Batman feels like slacking off a little (note: he never slacks off). Finally, This foursome would be much more fantastic than the actual FF because Barbara Gordon-era Batgirl is part of it, and hot redheads make everything a little bit more awesome.
Option 2: Gregory House’s Diagnostic Team (Seasons 1-3)
This iteration includes House, Foreman, Chase, and Cameron. Like the Batman Family entry, I will most likely be focusing on House, because he’s awesome. What makes this group so special? For starters, House is pretty much the Batman of medicine. He never leaves a mystery unsolved, even after the patient croaks. Also, his wit is only matched by his love for Vicodin. He’s a lovable asshole, but I would imagine that the hilariousness of his off-color humor/constant sarcasm would quickly wear thin if one were to actually come in contact with him. Luckily, as he is a fictitious character, we need not worry about that. Plus, even when House is wrong, he makes himself right. The man is a go-getter...alright, that was a bit far fetched. To round out the team, Chase is included because he has that awesome Aussie accent, there is something about Title IX for Cameron’s inclusion, and Foreman’s a part because it has just been really white on the list so far.
Option 3: Barney Stinson, Jack Package, Lorenzo von Materhorn, & Ted Mosbey: Architect (Not the Ted Mosbey who is actually an architect...or Ted Mosbey: Sex Architect)
Forget the fact that each member is actually the same person. That isn’t important. What has been created is a network of wingmen who are willing to go above and beyond the call of duty to help each other reach success with a member of the fairer sex, no matter the cost. I dare say that this foursome would be legend...nah, fantas-wait for it-tic. Fantastic.
Option 4: Teddy Roosevelt, Casey Jones, Gina Carano, & The Rock
If I were an evil doer, I would fear for my life from this foursome. I could see these guys being used as the greatest bodyguards of all time. You have Casey Jones, a goofy looking vigilante that wear torn sweatpants and a hockey mask, who would beat you within an inch of your life with a baseball bat. Then you have Gina Carano, whose beauty is only matched but her skills at pummeling you to a pulp, making you feel worse because you got beat up by a girl. Next up is The Rock, who, if physical intimidation isn’t enough, could verbally destroy you. Finally, there’s Teddy Roosevelt, the single greatest man to ever walk the Earth. He was/is the embodiment of badassness. Hell, the man was shot in the chest, and proceeded to give a lengthy speech without medical attention. I bet that if there was time travel in his day, Teddy would have gone back and killed off the dinosaurs. Oh. My. God. Teddy Roosevelt’s the reason dinosaurs are extinct.
Option 5: Kurt Angle, Steven Segal, Chuck Norris, & “Dirty” Harry Callahan
My mind feels like it is being forced to tap out after it just got shot with a hand cannon, roundhouse kicked to the face, and thrown through at least one window/glass table (broken ulna/kick to the nether region optional...punch to the junk necessary).
Option 6: Batman, Gregory House, Sherlock Holmes, & Shawn Spencer
With a team like this, the very existence of the FBI, CIA, Interpol, KGB, Scotland Yard, or any other investigative agency would be rendered obsolete. Temperance “Bones” Brennan can act like this Fantastic Four’s She-Hulk. She isn’t officially a full-time member, but she can sub in whenever one of them is indisposed. Basically, just like Vanilla Ice, if you have a problem, yo, they’ll solve it.
So, there it is. Six (vastly superior) options to become the new Fantastic Four.
No comments:
Post a Comment