But there are other types of movies. These are the movies that rarely win awards...unless that award is a Razzie (though being considered a "shitty" movie is not a prerequisite to be considered for this list. In fact, there are some critically lauded movies on this piece). These movies are movies dealing with one thing: awesomeness. The main character in these films is usually a vigilante, and he (or she...but almost exclusively he) doles out some righteous (not in the Biblical sense) justice, though it can be righteous (this time I do mean Biblical) justice.
These movies are Shit-Kicking movies.
1. POINT BREAK
Now, maybe I'm a little biased, as I have this movie playing in the background as I'm writing this, but Point Break is the shit! If you've never seen it, then eff you. You are a Commie son of a bitch and get out of my country you Pinko. Okay, maybe that was an overreaction. Maybe not. Either way, you should see this movie. I won't go into detail about the plot, but it deals with bank robbery, surfing, Patrick Swayze, and beingEXTREME! It stars the aforementioned Swayze, Keanu Reeves, Gary Busey (Bonus Points), Lori Petty, and Dr. Cox himself, John C. McGinley.Awesomest. Cast. Ever. This movie is to cool for school. I can't contain it in words, so just do yourself a favor: watch it again. I say watch it again, because you should have stopped reading to watch it by now.
Shit-Kicking Moment: There's this badass chase scene about midway through the movie. What starts as a car chase following a bank heist degenerates into a clusterf*ck of amazing. In a move to ditch their car that Keanu & Busey have been following, the robbers steal another car from a gas station. Carjacking is cool enough, but they take it a step forward. Bodhi (played by Swayze, pronounced like Brodie without the r) makes a flame thrower out of the gas hose. Sick! A foot chase ensues, with Keanu & Swayze running through suburbia, shooting at each other. At one point, Swayze throws a dog at Keanu's face. Keanu, the animal activist that he is, kicks the dog out of the way. Let me say that again. Keanu Reeves punts a freaking dog! There is a little more to the scene, but after some gunplay and practicing dropkicks on a pet, who cares?
2. SPECIES
Species is a shit-kicking love story (kinda...a little...maybe...not really, but this is my blog, so screw you). It's about this half-human/half-alien (well, probably at least 51% alien, maybe more) girl named Sil who is just trying to have a baby. What is badass about Sil's possible offspring is that they will bring about the eradication of mankind. Now I am sure you're saying, "How the hell is the end of mankind in any way shit-kicking?" It isn't. It's badass. What is shit-kicking is how the scientists (played by Alfred "Doc Ock" Molina, Marg "M.I.L.F. from C.S.I." Helgenberger, Forest "Idi Amin" Whitaker, and Sir Ben "I played flipping Ghandi" Kingsley) choose to quell the problem. They team up with professional shit-kicker/hunter/assassin Michael "Mr. Blonde" Madsen. Personally, his character should have just been called Michael Madsen, because the man oozes B.A.-ness like it's some kind of v.d. Instead, the writer named him Preston, aka Press. I call him Michael Madsen. Or sensei. I just sure as hell don't call him late for supper. Together, they hunt, and later hide from, and later hunt Sil again. Plus, Sil's design was created by creepo artist extraordinaire, H.R. Geiger. "Who's this clown?" This clown is the genius who created the designs for the Space Jockey and alien in Alien. And there is nobody on Earth who can deny that those designs do not kick some major shit.
And once again, FRICKING GHANDI IS IN THIS STUPID MOVIE ABOUT A HUMAN CREATED ALIEN!
Shit-Kicking Moment: Though there are many shit-kicking moments, this example is more of a fantastically awesome, red-blooded American moment. "But what moment is this?" you may be asking. Three words answer this question: Natasha. Henstridge. Nuded-Up. That's right, in her first acting role, Ms. Henstridge got naked, a bunch. But why does getting nude equal a shit-kicking moment? Because Natasha Henstridge has got a shit-kicking body, and like I said, she gets naked like crazy.
3. HELL RIDE
You've probably never heard of this movie, but that's cool, I hadn't until I saw it on the botom shelf of my local Wal-Mart. And, oooh daddy, am I gad that I bought it. Even though the movie was made in 2008, it has the look and feel of a gritty, Grindhouse-ian biker-action film from the 1970's. Granted, that's the point, especially since it was written, directed, and stars Larry Bishop, a veteran of films of that era. I'm still a bit fuzzy on the plot of Hell Ride, but that makes it no less enjoyable. In fact, it might actually make it a little more enjoyable. Without having to focus on trivial things like "plot," "story," and "making complete funking sense," the viewer can fully enjoy the carnage that lights up the screen. Larry Bishop was already mentioned as the film's star, but he has quite the support staff. Michael Madsen, the only man to be on this list more than once, plays "the Gent." Eric Balfour, who, depending on the person, will either recognize him as Xander's friend Jesse from the first two episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Milo Pressman from 24, plays Comanche. The shit-kicker of shit-kickers, Vinnie "Big Chris/Bullet Tooth Tony/Mahogany from Midnight Meat Train/Juggernaut" Jones plays the harpoon-wielding villain. The cast is rounded out by film veterans Dennis Hopper and David Carradine, as well as a whole bunch of skeezie, yet somehow still really hot, broads. The movie has it all: Broads, Bikes, Bullets, Boobs, & Booze. And harpoon guns.
Shit-Kicking Moment: While the film is thin on plot...I guess...it more than makes up for it in shit-kickery. Now there are a multitude of violent scenes to choose from, as well a stupid amount of nudity to also choose from, which makes this decision hard. That's what she said. But any time Vinnie Jones's (or should I say Billy Wings's? No, Vinnie Jones gets the Michael Madsen in Species treatment) harpoon gun is used. I mean, you see it there. But then you forget about it. And then whoosh! Harpooned! I mean, who in the blue Hell harpoons people, let alone when you are in the desert, aka a recockulous distance from any type of water? Shit-kickers.
4. MARKED FOR DEATH
I cannot, repeat cannot, stress how much I freaking hate Steven Seagal. He's an awful actor and a looney, whack-job of a person. His movies are rickdiculous and, especially later-on in his career, preachy. But, I will go on record to say that he is one of the top badass shit-kickers in this galaxy. He may be a pajama-wearing fruitcake, but he will eff you up ten ways to Tuesday, "and you can take that to the bank." If you get that reference, you are one hell of a Seagalogist. Anyway, Marked for Death is one of Seagal's most hardcore movies. It deals with an ex-cop whose family is "marked for death" by a voodoo priestess and Jamaican gang or drug cartel or what have you. After the death of his partner, getting relieved of his duties, and his niece being wounded in an attack by the Jamaicans, what does he do? Team up with Keith David (of They Live & Pitch Black/Chronicles of Riddick fame) and exact some righteous vengeance. And it is some shit-kicking vengeance.
Shit-Kicking Moment: The death of Screwface. Yes, in case you haven't seen this movie, the gang leader's name is Screwface. And he gets his. A bunch of times. I don't want to ruin the ending of this movie, because it is fan-frikking-tastic. It's a shit-kicking movie, but the shit-kickingest is the end. Just watch it. Maybe it's on YouTube. I don't feel like checking.
5. T2: JUDGEMENT DAY (aka Terminator 2)
I'm fairly certain that everybody has seen this movie, even more so than Point Break. Once again, if you haven't seen it, see it. It's a necessity. I won't call you a Commie for not checking this flick out. You're just a bitch who clearly cannot handle massive amounts of awesomeness. Sucks for you. Okay, for the three of you who haven't seen this epic, it's about a robot (T-800) who is sent back through time to protect the future savior of mankind, and his freakishly jacked mother, from another robot from the future (the T-1000), but this one can change shapes. Sweet, right? Hell yeah it is. Let's go over the shit-kicking, badass check list: Robots? Check. Shoot outs? Check. The future governor of California, Edward Furlong before the problems, & a She-Hulk-like Linda Hamilton? Check cubed. Post-Apocalyptic future war against self-aware machines? Check. Bud Budnick and his sweet ginger mullet? Check and check. The list is too damn long to put hear. But, c'mon, even the title is shit-kicking.
Shit-Kicking Moment: The entirety of T2: Judgement Day. 'Nuff said.
Yup, movies truly are magical. And don't forget, this is just part one. Feel free to comment. In fact, it's encouraged.
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