Review: The Dark Knight Rises

"Batman Batmans the shit out of everything" - James Thorpey

*NOTE: Before I start with my usual "comedic" shtick/convulsing nerdgasm that go along with these reviews, there's something to be said about a tragic event that happened early this morning. A man in his mid-twenties went on a shooting spree in Aurora, Colorado during a packed midnight showing of the film. Reports are still coming in at the time of this writing, but there are a dozen people dead and fifty injured. To say that my thoughts are with the victims and their families is an understatement. This is a horrible act that words cannot describe, and it's most certainly the darkest of stains that will forever live on within the legacy of the Dark Knight Trilogy, if not the whole of Batman.*

Break. The. Bat.

The picture above is an artist's representation of Bane "breaking the Bat." Now, if you are knowledgeable about comics in any way, you already know that Bane was created for the sole purpose to snap Batman's spine, thus causing the Knightfall arc to occur. In every medium that this has been portrayed in, in however many retellings or reimaginings, Bane carries out his plan with extreme precision, and ends it with a vicious wrestling maneuver known as a "backbreaker." Christopher Nolan has recreated that quintessential moment of the Bat-mythos in excruciatingly brutal accuracy. Spoiler alert? Nope. You should know that Bane breaks the Bat to begin with. It's the one thing that everybody should know going into the film.

Because, I mean...damn.

Let's take a pause right quick to let me discuss the two flaws that I had with this film. Oh, BTDubs, I only had two issues with this film, both dealing with Bane. The first, and I know I'm not the only one who thinks this, s that the sound mixing for Bane was ridiculous. Every time the man spoke, it was so ridiculously loud compared to everybody else. But, you know what? Fine. I got over it quickly. The other issue I took with the film, and this isn't just because I'm a DC fanboy, was the complete absence of Venom (the mutated steroids on...steroids...didn't think that one through. Or did I?) in the film. So, I know I just said that when people think of Bane, they think of him breaking the Bat, but that's not the only thing they think. They also think of lucha libre masks (or mechanical pain-killer jockstraps you wear on the face, as it is in this film) and Venom. I mean, sure, Bane is a ginormous, musclebound beast of a tactician in general, but his whole thing is that he injects himself with Venom to (and forgive me for mixing companies) "Hulk-out" and bring even more pain. That being said, I know that the Nolan Bat films are as realistic as you can really get, and having a tube running to the back of your head that injects yourself with a ridiculous amount of glowing green rage juice isn't realistic. I get that. I knew it was an impossibility from the moment that Bane was announced. But I was shocked to see that Venom was cut completely out of the film. I was really hoping that Nolan was going to show Bane shooting up with some serious juice before fighting Batman. Oh well. Once again, just a little nitpicking that is easy to get over.

Rawr

There was a lot of moaning and groaning about Anne Hathaway being cast as Catwoman all those months ago. I admit it, I definitely said something along the lines of "Yeah, she'll look really great in skintight leather, but the chick from Bridewars? Really?" (Yeah, I went with the Bridewars reference. You don't get to do that often). But, you know what? I've had this motto since Batman Begins came out, and it goes a little something like this: "In Nolan, we trust." There has not been a Chris Nolan film that I've watched and felt disappointed by, so I figured that he knew what he was doing when he casted her. You know what happened? She blew me away. Anne Hathaway's portrayal of Catwoman was fantastic. She brought a strong, determined mindset to the character. I'd go so far as to say that she may have (almost) stolen the film. Almost. Most importantly, though, is that Hathaway did Catwoman proud. Unlike that abomination that DC tried to pull off a few years ago.

Seriously, what is this garbage? Everybody associated with this owes the estates of Bill Finger & Bob Kane the biggest of apologies.

But yeah, Anne Hathaway was a pretty puff-fect (yup) Selina Kyle. As always, Bale, Freeman, Oldman, & Caine were top notch, and Tom Hardy was stellar, as Tom Hardy always is. Seriously, have you seen Bronson? Go see Bronson. And, last, but certainly not least...

Tommy Solomon has come a long way.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt was the star of the film. No, seriously. Sure, the movie was about Bane & Batman fighting over Gotham (if you want to get really broad about things), but JGL's John Blake was the heart and soul of the film, and he totally brought his A-game. Now, make all the assumptions you want, but Blake is a wholly new character created for the film. Now, there is a shot (like Harley Quinn, who was created for B:TAS) that he'll be brought into the DCnU, but I doubt it very much. Though, I will say, for those of you who know the comic, and know it well, there are a few nods to the fans. In fact, if you know anything about the Bat-Fam surnames, Blake sounds a lot like somebody else's name... But I'll stop there.

Superfly Pimps

And now, the numbers:

Movie: 10 out of 10 Stars

Batmanliness: 10 out of 10 Hotlines to the Comissioner

Holy $#!+, Batmans!: 10 out of 10 Ka-Pows!

Long story short, Chris Nolan capped of his Dark Knight Trilogy perfectly. Is The Dark Knight Rises better than The Dark Knight? No, but it's close. Does it kind of tear you up inside that DC is rebooting the franchise already so that they can lead into a Justice League movie? In more ways than one. But you know what? This story is over. Nolan told the tale he wanted, and he told it so damn well. Only one thing to do about it, really...

The Greatest Superhero Ever: A No Nonsense Look...Well, Maybe Some Nonsense.

Who's the greatest superhero?

I would watch this movie.

Is it the Man of Steel?

You let yourself go, Clark.

No way. Superman is perfect. He's a Boy Scout. In fact, the only flaw he really has (besides getting all wonky on Special K...Kryptonite, that is) is that he's kind of an a-hole. Don't believe me? Check it for yourself.

This is pretty mind blowing, though.

Is it the World's Greatest Detective?

And now it all makes sense...

It pains me to sat that Batman isn't the greatest superhero. He's awesome. Think about it for a minute. He's rich, brilliant, badass, and crazy like a fox. Born into a life of posh living and never having to lift a finger for the rest of his life, he chose to go off and train with the greatest teachers in the world, all so he could jump from rooftops in footie pajamas and beat up villains. Sure, there was some tragedy thrown in there to put him on track, but that's not what I'm talking about. He is the coolest superhero of all time, but he isn't the greatest.

I do believe this is actual documentation of his exploits, though.

Well, how about Cap?

He did give Hitler the business...

Captain America is timeless. He is the embodiment of the American dream. Let's look at that picture up there a little closer, shall we?

Yup. That IS a right cross, Adolf.

Yet, he got killed (as did Supes & the Bat), but when he came back, he chose not to reclaim the shield. Don't get me wrong, Steve Rogers is still fighting the good right in the Marvelverse, but he isn't the Cap anymore, and he loses points for that. Oh, one last thing:

Captain Steve Rogers: still punching Hitler after all these years.

Oooooookay...umm...the Merc with a Mouth?

Nobody else has a Corps made entirely of alternate versions of himself.

Deadpool is the greatest comic character ever created. He isn't the greatest superhero, though. In fact, it's hard to describe Deadpool as a superhero, as he's a mercenary who kills without regard, is shallow and self-absorbed, and is constantly hired by Hydra and other sinister groups. But one thing is for sure: he's fantastic. Just look...

He played "rochambeau" with Cap.

Cap only recently got his revenge.

He also can't believe Cap punched hitler in the face.

In fact, he & Cap are Marvel's Goofus & Gallant...

Maybe he's indie...like, hmmm...The Great Blue Yonder?

Yes Virginia, that is his battle cry.

Ben Edlund's The Tick is a tremendously funny satire on the superhero genre. It has spawned a cartoon, a short lived live-action show, a video game, and more. Unfortunately, both shows may have been a bit too meta for the majority of audiences. He's absurd, irreverent, and everything a city doesn't need in a protector...which makes him exactly what a comic reader wants.

Much like a child or kitten, he is distracted by shiny things.

But alas, he is also not the greatest superhero ever.

So, who is this great hero? Easy. It's none other than the Scarlet Speedster himself.

Fastest. Man. Alive.

I'm not talking about Jay. I'm not talking about Wally, or Bart, for that matter. No way. I mean Barry freaking Allen. THE Flash. He doesn't just ride the lightening, he is the lightening. I will go much, much more in depth about why Barry is so great tomorrow. But when you have the almighty Geoff Johns stating that Barry is the greatest hero, well, who the Hell are you to say otherwise? Oh, and he had the stones to say that in the New York Daily News.

Superman still has to look for a phone booth.

My Votes for a New Fantastic Four

Let’s face it: the Fantastic Four is not so fantastic. In fact, they are pretty lame. I do have to hand it to Stan Lee, though, seeing as the “Less-than-Stellar Four” rolls off the tongue about as well as a one-legged man runs through quicksand, and, as we know, alliteration works. So I am here to put forth a new list of possibly Fantastic Foursomes, because a box of matches, a rock, a cellophane outline, and Stretch Armstrong just aren’t edgy enough for this modern day.

*Note: Some entries may be actual foursomes, while others will be a mix-n-match affair*

Option 1: Batman, Robin, Nightwing, & Batgirl

In this grouping, I am talking about the Bruce Wayne Batman, Tim Drake Robin, & Barbara Gordon Batgirl, first & foremost. So why this amalgamation of the Batman Family? If you asked that question, just close the browser. Seriously, get off of my blog. I am still going to answer this question, because I truly hope you are still reading. First off, Batman is the coolest. He’s an insane rich guy who, instead of wasting his money buying islands and jumping out of planes for fun (I’m looking at you, Richard Branson), he buys islands to turn into impenetrable fortresses (just in case his million other contingency plans fall through) and jumps out of planes to foil heists. Secondly, he’s awesome. Third, Batman has a genius level intellect, the detective skills of every successful investigator (real or imaginary) combined, and he can beat Superman in a fight. So it seems that this entry has turned into a Batman lovefest and not so much an explanation of the foursome idea. And so, Robin & Nightwing are there to “help out” in case Batman feels like slacking off a little (note: he never slacks off). Finally, This foursome would be much more fantastic than the actual FF because Barbara Gordon-era Batgirl is part of it, and hot redheads make everything a little bit more awesome.

Option 2: Gregory House’s Diagnostic Team (Seasons 1-3)

This iteration includes House, Foreman, Chase, and Cameron. Like the Batman Family entry, I will most likely be focusing on House, because he’s awesome. What makes this group so special? For starters, House is pretty much the Batman of medicine. He never leaves a mystery unsolved, even after the patient croaks. Also, his wit is only matched by his love for Vicodin. He’s a lovable asshole, but I would imagine that the hilariousness of his off-color humor/constant sarcasm would quickly wear thin if one were to actually come in contact with him. Luckily, as he is a fictitious character, we need not worry about that. Plus, even when House is wrong, he makes himself right. The man is a go-getter...alright, that was a bit far fetched. To round out the team, Chase is included because he has that awesome Aussie accent, there is something about Title IX for Cameron’s inclusion, and Foreman’s a part because it has just been really white on the list so far.

Option 3: Barney Stinson, Jack Package, Lorenzo von Materhorn, & Ted Mosbey: Architect (Not the Ted Mosbey who is actually an architect...or Ted Mosbey: Sex Architect)

Forget the fact that each member is actually the same person. That isn’t important. What has been created is a network of wingmen who are willing to go above and beyond the call of duty to help each other reach success with a member of the fairer sex, no matter the cost. I dare say that this foursome would be legend...nah, fantas-wait for it-tic. Fantastic.

Option 4: Teddy Roosevelt, Casey Jones, Gina Carano, & The Rock

If I were an evil doer, I would fear for my life from this foursome. I could see these guys being used as the greatest bodyguards of all time. You have Casey Jones, a goofy looking vigilante that wear torn sweatpants and a hockey mask, who would beat you within an inch of your life with a baseball bat. Then you have Gina Carano, whose beauty is only matched but her skills at pummeling you to a pulp, making you feel worse because you got beat up by a girl. Next up is The Rock, who, if physical intimidation isn’t enough, could verbally destroy you. Finally, there’s Teddy Roosevelt, the single greatest man to ever walk the Earth. He was/is the embodiment of badassness. Hell, the man was shot in the chest, and proceeded to give a lengthy speech without medical attention. I bet that if there was time travel in his day, Teddy would have gone back and killed off the dinosaurs. Oh. My. God. Teddy Roosevelt’s the reason dinosaurs are extinct.

Option 5: Kurt Angle, Steven Segal, Chuck Norris, & “Dirty” Harry Callahan

My mind feels like it is being forced to tap out after it just got shot with a hand cannon, roundhouse kicked to the face, and thrown through at least one window/glass table (broken ulna/kick to the nether region optional...punch to the junk necessary).

Option 6: Batman, Gregory House, Sherlock Holmes, & Shawn Spencer

With a team like this, the very existence of the FBI, CIA, Interpol, KGB, Scotland Yard, or any other investigative agency would be rendered obsolete. Temperance “Bones” Brennan can act like this Fantastic Four’s She-Hulk. She isn’t officially a full-time member, but she can sub in whenever one of them is indisposed. Basically, just like Vanilla Ice, if you have a problem, yo, they’ll solve it.

So, there it is. Six (vastly superior) options to become the new Fantastic Four.