Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Charlie Sheen: Have Coke, Will Party (or, alternately, In Defense of Charlie Sheen)

The man always looks wasted. Always.


To quote a genius, "I love Charlie Sheen. This guy is a national treasure (Thorpey, The Awesome Blog, 2010)."


Charlie Sheen is back in rehab. That's cool. It's expected. But is it unfortunate?
Like this album placement.

Obviously, I don't mean that it's unfortunate for Charlie. He is (sometimes) a great actor, and it would be an absolute shame if he died before his time. What I mean is that it's unfortunate for all of us. The public. The disgusting, voyeuristic, gossip-loving whores the American people are.
Like this...but with celebrities...and I guess girls in panties.

America loves a train wreck. Not a real one, with the death and the maiming (maybe just the maiming), but when a star has a meltdown, America loves to see it happen. Look at Britney, Tom Cruise, Paris, the Lohan, et all.
If he was red, he'd look like the Devil.
Other possible caption: Best. Picture. Ever.
Also: Dick Dastardly's brother.

Personally, I kind of don't want him to get clean. He's hilarious. I go out of my way to find Charlie Sheen news. Why? Because if it were anybody else, it would either a) be sad, or 2) be called BS. What I don't understand is that how anybody can still get up in arms about his antics. He has been a hot mess for years. When a person thinks of Charlie Sheen, they don't think Golden Globe winner or "that guy from Spin City." They think cocaine and hookers. And they have for years.
This is seriously what comes up when you search "cocaine and hookers."

He's a grown man with an addiction. Or multiple, multiple addictions. We know it. He knows it. So, I think everybody should stop getting so up in arms about his tomfoolery. It's expected. And don't be mad at CBS for not pulling Two & a Half Men. They're a multi-billion dollar company. This is free publicity for the show, and they aren't a babysitting organization. CBS shouldn't have to worry if Charlie is busy snorting a suitcase full of coke along with a bevy of strung out porn queens. Unless it hurts their bottom line.
CBS cares.

One last note, CBS should stop rewarding Sheen and give Craig Ferguson's show a fraction of Charlie's salary. It's a fantastic show, and this increase would surely double its budget. Craigy Ferg deserves it.
Who's that at the door?

P.S. - Okay, so if Charlie Sheen had a suitcase full of cocaine, how is that man not in prison!? If I had a suitcase of cocaine, I know I would. Same thing if you (imaginary) readers did. But Chuck is like a really good cast iron skillet. Nothing sticks to him.
I imagine it looked something like this.

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