Big Things, People...Big Things

So, next month, I am gearing up for an experiment. A horror (or "horror") movie a day for everyday in October. I have a list of movies already, but I am open to recommendations. I'm not 100% about when I'll update (everyday or once a week). I know this task will be grueling. I tried a test run last year. But I'm doing this for you, my non-existent readers. I'm doing this for you.

My Votes for a New Fantastic Four

Let’s face it: the Fantastic Four is not so fantastic. In fact, they are pretty lame. I do have to hand it to Stan Lee, though, seeing as the “Less-than-Stellar Four” rolls off the tongue about as well as a one-legged man runs through quicksand, and, as we know, alliteration works. So I am here to put forth a new list of possibly Fantastic Foursomes, because a box of matches, a rock, a cellophane outline, and Stretch Armstrong just aren’t edgy enough for this modern day.

*Note: Some entries may be actual foursomes, while others will be a mix-n-match affair*

Option 1: Batman, Robin, Nightwing, & Batgirl

In this grouping, I am talking about the Bruce Wayne Batman, Tim Drake Robin, & Barbara Gordon Batgirl, first & foremost. So why this amalgamation of the Batman Family? If you asked that question, just close the browser. Seriously, get off of my blog. I am still going to answer this question, because I truly hope you are still reading. First off, Batman is the coolest. He’s an insane rich guy who, instead of wasting his money buying islands and jumping out of planes for fun (I’m looking at you, Richard Branson), he buys islands to turn into impenetrable fortresses (just in case his million other contingency plans fall through) and jumps out of planes to foil heists. Secondly, he’s awesome. Third, Batman has a genius level intellect, the detective skills of every successful investigator (real or imaginary) combined, and he can beat Superman in a fight. So it seems that this entry has turned into a Batman lovefest and not so much an explanation of the foursome idea. And so, Robin & Nightwing are there to “help out” in case Batman feels like slacking off a little (note: he never slacks off). Finally, This foursome would be much more fantastic than the actual FF because Barbara Gordon-era Batgirl is part of it, and hot redheads make everything a little bit more awesome.

Option 2: Gregory House’s Diagnostic Team (Seasons 1-3)

This iteration includes House, Foreman, Chase, and Cameron. Like the Batman Family entry, I will most likely be focusing on House, because he’s awesome. What makes this group so special? For starters, House is pretty much the Batman of medicine. He never leaves a mystery unsolved, even after the patient croaks. Also, his wit is only matched by his love for Vicodin. He’s a lovable asshole, but I would imagine that the hilariousness of his off-color humor/constant sarcasm would quickly wear thin if one were to actually come in contact with him. Luckily, as he is a fictitious character, we need not worry about that. Plus, even when House is wrong, he makes himself right. The man is a go-getter...alright, that was a bit far fetched. To round out the team, Chase is included because he has that awesome Aussie accent, there is something about Title IX for Cameron’s inclusion, and Foreman’s a part because it has just been really white on the list so far.

Option 3: Barney Stinson, Jack Package, Lorenzo von Materhorn, & Ted Mosbey: Architect (Not the Ted Mosbey who is actually an architect...or Ted Mosbey: Sex Architect)

Forget the fact that each member is actually the same person. That isn’t important. What has been created is a network of wingmen who are willing to go above and beyond the call of duty to help each other reach success with a member of the fairer sex, no matter the cost. I dare say that this foursome would be legend...nah, fantas-wait for it-tic. Fantastic.

Option 4: Teddy Roosevelt, Casey Jones, Gina Carano, & The Rock

If I were an evil doer, I would fear for my life from this foursome. I could see these guys being used as the greatest bodyguards of all time. You have Casey Jones, a goofy looking vigilante that wear torn sweatpants and a hockey mask, who would beat you within an inch of your life with a baseball bat. Then you have Gina Carano, whose beauty is only matched but her skills at pummeling you to a pulp, making you feel worse because you got beat up by a girl. Next up is The Rock, who, if physical intimidation isn’t enough, could verbally destroy you. Finally, there’s Teddy Roosevelt, the single greatest man to ever walk the Earth. He was/is the embodiment of badassness. Hell, the man was shot in the chest, and proceeded to give a lengthy speech without medical attention. I bet that if there was time travel in his day, Teddy would have gone back and killed off the dinosaurs. Oh. My. God. Teddy Roosevelt’s the reason dinosaurs are extinct.

Option 5: Kurt Angle, Steven Segal, Chuck Norris, & “Dirty” Harry Callahan

My mind feels like it is being forced to tap out after it just got shot with a hand cannon, roundhouse kicked to the face, and thrown through at least one window/glass table (broken ulna/kick to the nether region optional...punch to the junk necessary).

Option 6: Batman, Gregory House, Sherlock Holmes, & Shawn Spencer

With a team like this, the very existence of the FBI, CIA, Interpol, KGB, Scotland Yard, or any other investigative agency would be rendered obsolete. Temperance “Bones” Brennan can act like this Fantastic Four’s She-Hulk. She isn’t officially a full-time member, but she can sub in whenever one of them is indisposed. Basically, just like Vanilla Ice, if you have a problem, yo, they’ll solve it.

So, there it is. Six (vastly superior) options to become the new Fantastic Four.

7 Greatest Fictional Doctors (Repost)

Nobody enjoys going to the doctor's office. You show up early, pay your co-pay, and then you have to wait a half hour just to get into an examination room. Once there, you wait another fifteen to twenty minutes for the doctor to show up. Five to ten minutes later, you're out the door. It just doesn't seem right. I have nothing against my doctors. They are great. And since they figured out what was wrong with me after my recent medical emergency, I hold them in high regard. That being said, I still hate having to wait to see them. People make appointments for certain times because they have things to do. Luckily, there are some doctors that are never late. You could say that they have a standing appointment with you every week. I'm speaking, of course, about fictional doctors. Be it on the television, the silver screen, or even comic books, they will never be late to the appointment you make with them.

Without further ado, here are the 7 greatest fake doctors:

7. Dr. Julius Hibbert (The Simpsons) - Dr. Hibbert first appeared in the second season of The Simpsons and has been making us laugh ever since. While more upscale than Springfield's other resident physician, the late Dr. Nick Rivera, he is nevertheless a wasteful medical mercenary, always looking out for his bottom line. Yet, be it his numerous, inappropriate chuckles during awkward situations, or his numerous Cosby sweaters, Dr. Hibbert has endeared himself to his town, as well as the whole world.

6. Doctor Doom - Sure, he's tried to kill off certain superheroes once or twice before. And sure, he's technically a bad guy, but who are we to put labels on others? Oh...yeah...the internet was created to put labels on people. I'll concede the argument; Doctor Doom is a bad man. But at the same time, I bet more people know his first name than their doctor's first name. His is Victor, by the way. My doc is Maurice. But why is he on the list? Simple. He is the greatest researcher of all time. He has always had one hypothesis: He is better than Reed Richards. Granted, he always fails, but he's quite the persistent bugger. And the one day that he finally one-ups Reed, he can fudge the numbers and publish his decades-long findings.

5. Douglas "Dr. Evil" Powers - Wait, two bad guys in a row? Do you actually think that Dr. Evil is a bad guy? No way. He just never had a strong, yet loving, father figure. Plus, come on, he is hilarious. Add into the fact that he's pretty much a moron, and you have a lovable loser that sticks with you. And yes, he is a licensed doctor. "[He] didn't spend six years at evil medical school to be called Mr. Evil."

4-3. Doctors John (J.D.) Dorian & Percival Cox - These are two of the most classic doctors on television, but it is the relationship between the two that make them great. The dichotomy between them is something special. While J.D. is a wide-eyed optimist (Nurse Carla nicknamed him Bambi), Dr. Cox has a more bitter view of the world. "People aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with a bastard-filling." The student-teacher relationship has evolved into a relationship of mutual respect, not that it stops Dr. Cox from putting J.D. down, or J.D. from hoping to one day receive the hug from Cox that he always wanted. And while they are both great doctors, their zaniness is something that makes me think I would want somebody else looking after me.

2. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce - I've really got nothing to say here. Hawkeye is a great character, and if I was ever shot in Korea, I would want him to operate on me.

1. Gregory House - If I were to describe House based on his short comings (aka: a drug addicted, anti-social, curmudgeon with an unhealthy fixation on the truth and no qualms with the occasional B&E) you would have a very accurate description of him. You would also probably not want him as your doctor, unless you had a medical mystery, in which case he would be the only doctor you would want. I know that when I was sick, I wanted him to be in charge of my case, because if he was, I would be cured in an hour. That's how he rolls. House is everything that a conventionally "good" doctor isn't, yet he is the best doctor there is. That is why he is the greatest fictional doctor.

Honorable Mention: Doogie Howser, M.D. - "But how could you not put Doogie on the list?" Easy: I forgot about him. Now, I could easily make this the 8 Greatest Fictional Doctors, but I'm still upset that I can never ascertain any achievements on the level that Doogie had. Licensed medical practitioner by the age of 14? Nope...I was busy not doing my geometry homework at that age. Kicked the shit out of leukemia, twice? Luckily, I haven't had to...but I did call it a draw with Adult On-Set Still's Disease...so, close enough. Finished high school in 9 weeks? I wish. Graduated from Princeton? Well, I graduated from a New Jersey university...but not Princeton...Not anywhere near Princeton. Awesome computer diary? This...um...isn't a diary...really, it isn't. In any case, sorry NPH, but your classic character was too much of an over-achiever to be added to this list. Not my fault.

Catching Up with the Mighty Ducks (Repost)

We all know and love Disney's Mighty Duck trilogy...even the third one. As luck would have it, I was able to catch up with each of the former Duck players. Unfortunately, I couldn't interview them all, but I can tell you what each and every one of them is doing today.

Gordon Bombay: Coach Gordon Bombay eventually went back to Ducksworth's law firm, where he was made full partner. After Ducksworth's retirement, Bombay took over, as the firm is now know as The Bombay Group.

Charlie Conway: Never got much farther than the minors in hockey. After a career-ending injury, he took over Hans's skate shop. Unfortunately, he soon realized that his business was failing, because nobody gives a shit about hockey anymore.

Greg Goldberg: Tried the Subway diet, but failed...miserably. He had the gastric-bypass surgery a few years back and is now in the best shape of his life. And, yeah, he finally moved back to Philly.

Lester Averman: Became a legitimate rabbi.

Jesse Hall: Is currently looking at legal options against Gordon Bombay for suing for duress dating back to being called part of the "Oreo Line."

Terry Hall: See above.

Peter Mark: Spent a few years in juvie, but problems stemming from this lead to a pretty hardcore drug habit. Nobody has seen him for more than thirteen years.

Dave Karp: Unfortunately pulled a Mama Cass and choked to death on a ham sandwich.

Guy Germaine: Finally married Connie after they got out of college. He is the proud owner of a chain of Waffle House style eateries.

Connie Moreau: She is married to Guy, and the proud parent of six kids. A stay at home mom, she is currently having a torrid affair with the milkman.

Tammy Duncan: Tammy never made it big in the pro figure skating world, but you can see her almost nightly at the Crazy Horse Gentleman's Club.

Tommy Duncan: Can be seen nightly at Disney on Ice (he's the Genie).

Adam Banks: He was picked up by the Anaheim Ducks after college. During the most recent strike, the team realized that he really wasn't worth the money they were spending on him. After being cut, he went into a deep depression, leading to severe alcoholism. He recently cleaned himself up and may in fact be teaching at your child's preschool.

Julie Gaffney: The former "Cat" quit hockey after high school. She is currently a chef and was featured on last season's "The Next Food Network Star." No...seriously. Check it out on IMDB.

Fulton Reed: Currently works at a Lady Footlocker.

Dean Portman: Is currently awaiting being sentenced on three counts of murder. Though he plead innocent, the footage of the crime is pretty darn convincing.

Dwayne Robertson: Owns a cattle ranch in East Bumblef*ck, Texas. Like you didn't see that coming.

Russ Tyler: Patented his "knuckle-puck" and sold the rights to a hockey equipment company. He is still living the high life off the royalties.

Luis Mendoza: It was found out that Luis was in the country illegally. He has been relocated to his home country of Cuba.

Ken Wu: Ken realized his true self and came out of the closet only a few weeks after the events depicted in D3. I mean, c'mon...he is a figure skater from San Fransisco.

So that's that. If you ever wondered what happened to the Ducks after the last of the credits rolled, now you know.

Shit-Kicker Cinema: Part 1 (Repost)...NSFW

There are good movies. There are bad movies. Some you can't get enough of. Some can't be over fast enough. Some make you laugh, others make you cry. There are movies that blow, and movies that blow your mind. Sometimes, a movie can take away the worries of the world by creating a magical world for the viewer to get lost in, or it can play on your emotions and make you cry like a 4-year old with a skinned knee.

But there are other types of movies. These are the movies that rarely win awards...unless that award is a Razzie (though being considered a "shitty" movie is not a prerequisite to be considered for this list. In fact, there are some critically lauded movies on this piece). These movies are movies dealing with one thing: awesomeness. The main character in these films is usually a vigilante, and he (or she...but almost exclusively he) doles out some righteous (not in the Biblical sense) justice, though it can be righteous (this time I do mean Biblical) justice.

These movies are Shit-Kicking movies.

1. POINT BREAK

Now, maybe I'm a little biased, as I have this movie playing in the background as I'm writing this, but Point Break is the shit! If you've never seen it, then eff you. You are a Commie son of a bitch and get out of my country you Pinko. Okay, maybe that was an overreaction. Maybe not. Either way, you should see this movie. I won't go into detail about the plot, but it deals with bank robbery, surfing, Patrick Swayze, and beingEXTREME! It stars the aforementioned Swayze, Keanu Reeves, Gary Busey (Bonus Points), Lori Petty, and Dr. Cox himself, John C. McGinley.Awesomest. Cast. Ever. This movie is to cool for school. I can't contain it in words, so just do yourself a favor: watch it again. I say watch it again, because you should have stopped reading to watch it by now.

Shit-Kicking Moment: There's this badass chase scene about midway through the movie. What starts as a car chase following a bank heist degenerates into a clusterf*ck of amazing. In a move to ditch their car that Keanu & Busey have been following, the robbers steal another car from a gas station. Carjacking is cool enough, but they take it a step forward. Bodhi (played by Swayze, pronounced like Brodie without the r) makes a flame thrower out of the gas hose. Sick! A foot chase ensues, with Keanu & Swayze running through suburbia, shooting at each other. At one point, Swayze throws a dog at Keanu's face. Keanu, the animal activist that he is, kicks the dog out of the way. Let me say that again. Keanu Reeves punts a freaking dog! There is a little more to the scene, but after some gunplay and practicing dropkicks on a pet, who cares?

2. SPECIES

Species is a shit-kicking love story (kinda...a little...maybe...not really, but this is my blog, so screw you). It's about this half-human/half-alien (well, probably at least 51% alien, maybe more) girl named Sil who is just trying to have a baby. What is badass about Sil's possible offspring is that they will bring about the eradication of mankind. Now I am sure you're saying, "How the hell is the end of mankind in any way shit-kicking?" It isn't. It's badass. What is shit-kicking is how the scientists (played by Alfred "Doc Ock" Molina, Marg "M.I.L.F. from C.S.I." Helgenberger, Forest "Idi Amin" Whitaker, and Sir Ben "I played flipping Ghandi" Kingsley) choose to quell the problem. They team up with professional shit-kicker/hunter/assassin Michael "Mr. Blonde" Madsen. Personally, his character should have just been called Michael Madsen, because the man oozes B.A.-ness like it's some kind of v.d. Instead, the writer named him Preston, aka Press. I call him Michael Madsen. Or sensei. I just sure as hell don't call him late for supper. Together, they hunt, and later hide from, and later hunt Sil again. Plus, Sil's design was created by creepo artist extraordinaire, H.R. Geiger. "Who's this clown?" This clown is the genius who created the designs for the Space Jockey and alien in Alien. And there is nobody on Earth who can deny that those designs do not kick some major shit.

And once again, FRICKING GHANDI IS IN THIS STUPID MOVIE ABOUT A HUMAN CREATED ALIEN!

Shit-Kicking Moment: Though there are many shit-kicking moments, this example is more of a fantastically awesome, red-blooded American moment. "But what moment is this?" you may be asking. Three words answer this question: Natasha. Henstridge. Nuded-Up. That's right, in her first acting role, Ms. Henstridge got naked, a bunch. But why does getting nude equal a shit-kicking moment? Because Natasha Henstridge has got a shit-kicking body, and like I said, she gets naked like crazy.

3. HELL RIDE

You've probably never heard of this movie, but that's cool, I hadn't until I saw it on the botom shelf of my local Wal-Mart. And, oooh daddy, am I gad that I bought it. Even though the movie was made in 2008, it has the look and feel of a gritty, Grindhouse-ian biker-action film from the 1970's. Granted, that's the point, especially since it was written, directed, and stars Larry Bishop, a veteran of films of that era. I'm still a bit fuzzy on the plot of Hell Ride, but that makes it no less enjoyable. In fact, it might actually make it a little more enjoyable. Without having to focus on trivial things like "plot," "story," and "making complete funking sense," the viewer can fully enjoy the carnage that lights up the screen. Larry Bishop was already mentioned as the film's star, but he has quite the support staff. Michael Madsen, the only man to be on this list more than once, plays "the Gent." Eric Balfour, who, depending on the person, will either recognize him as Xander's friend Jesse from the first two episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Milo Pressman from 24, plays Comanche. The shit-kicker of shit-kickers, Vinnie "Big Chris/Bullet Tooth Tony/Mahogany from Midnight Meat Train/Juggernaut" Jones plays the harpoon-wielding villain. The cast is rounded out by film veterans Dennis Hopper and David Carradine, as well as a whole bunch of skeezie, yet somehow still really hot, broads. The movie has it all: Broads, Bikes, Bullets, Boobs, & Booze. And harpoon guns.

Shit-Kicking Moment: While the film is thin on plot...I guess...it more than makes up for it in shit-kickery. Now there are a multitude of violent scenes to choose from, as well a stupid amount of nudity to also choose from, which makes this decision hard. That's what she said. But any time Vinnie Jones's (or should I say Billy Wings's? No, Vinnie Jones gets the Michael Madsen in Species treatment) harpoon gun is used. I mean, you see it there. But then you forget about it. And then whoosh! Harpooned! I mean, who in the blue Hell harpoons people, let alone when you are in the desert, aka a recockulous distance from any type of water? Shit-kickers.

4. MARKED FOR DEATH

I cannot, repeat cannot, stress how much I freaking hate Steven Seagal. He's an awful actor and a looney, whack-job of a person. His movies are rickdiculous and, especially later-on in his career, preachy. But, I will go on record to say that he is one of the top badass shit-kickers in this galaxy. He may be a pajama-wearing fruitcake, but he will eff you up ten ways to Tuesday, "and you can take that to the bank." If you get that reference, you are one hell of a Seagalogist. Anyway, Marked for Death is one of Seagal's most hardcore movies. It deals with an ex-cop whose family is "marked for death" by a voodoo priestess and  Jamaican gang or drug cartel or what have you. After the death of his partner, getting relieved of his duties, and his niece being wounded in an attack by the Jamaicans, what does he do? Team up with Keith David (of They Live & Pitch Black/Chronicles of Riddick fame) and exact some righteous vengeance. And it is some shit-kicking vengeance.

Shit-Kicking Moment: The death of Screwface. Yes, in case you haven't seen this movie, the gang leader's name is Screwface. And he gets his. A bunch of times. I don't want to ruin the ending of this movie, because it is fan-frikking-tastic. It's a shit-kicking movie, but the shit-kickingest is the end. Just watch it. Maybe it's on YouTube. I don't feel like checking.

5. T2: JUDGEMENT DAY (aka Terminator 2)

I'm fairly certain that everybody has seen this movie, even more so than Point Break. Once again, if you haven't seen it, see it. It's a necessity. I won't call you a Commie for not checking this flick out. You're just a bitch who clearly cannot handle massive amounts of awesomeness. Sucks for you. Okay, for the three of you who haven't seen this epic, it's about a robot (T-800) who is sent back through time to protect the future savior of mankind, and his freakishly jacked mother, from another robot from the future (the T-1000), but this one can change shapes. Sweet, right? Hell yeah it is. Let's go over the shit-kicking, badass check list: Robots? Check. Shoot outs? Check. The future governor of California, Edward Furlong before the problems, & a She-Hulk-like Linda Hamilton? Check cubed. Post-Apocalyptic future war against self-aware machines? Check. Bud Budnick and his sweet ginger mullet? Check and check. The list is too damn long to put hear. But, c'mon, even the title is shit-kicking.

Shit-Kicking Moment: The entirety of T2: Judgement Day. 'Nuff said.

Yup, movies truly are magical. And don't forget, this is just part one. Feel free to comment. In fact, it's encouraged.

New Blog!

So, I decided to remake my blog. Hopefully, this time I will actually update it with relative frequency. My first few post will be reposts of some entries from the old blog. Warning: some (many?) of these entries will be NSFW, so, sorry about that. Not really. This is my blog. I have nothing to be sorry about.