Who's Ready for an Apocalypse? - Part 2

Once again, I don't believe in this 2012 hullabaloo. Do I think that the zombies are going to rise & devour the populace? No, though you should always be weary of it. Are the robots going to gain sentience & rebel against their human masters? Definitely, but it'll probably be a while...or tomorrow...you never can tell with these kinds of things. But it never hurts to be prepared for such events.

Though there are some Apocalypses that you can't prepare for.

Housing:

There are many different thoughts on the proper housing for a post-apocalyptic world. Many people think you should seek out bunkers or castles, as they've stood the test of time. While that's nice in theory, it's highly doubtful that you know of a bunker or castle that you'd feasibly be able to get to after the bombs drop/zombies rise/machines take over/Rapture...raptures. So what is one supposed to do?

That's not at all a crazy person's idea.

One is supposed to have "The Safe House" built, natch. It's basically the world's first zombie-proof house. In other words, it's a giant rectangular house made of concrete that folds up into itself to form a solid block of "nothing's getting through here" in case of an emergency situation. But since there'll probably never be a reason to use a house like this (save for if you live in Vancouver the next time the Canucks lose in the Stanley Cup finals), having this house will definitely make you "that neighbor." Find out more about the batshit craziness that is The Safe House here.

Transportation:

Tanks. When I used to think about the perfect vehicle for traversing the roads of a world that's past, I used to think that tanks were the answer. Looking back, that'd be absolutely ridiculous (and yes, the fact that I said that in an article about being ready for some crazy, doubtful apocalyptic situation is not lost on me). Tanks are unwieldy beasts, and I, for one, have no clue how to drive one. Or where to buy one, for that matter. No, the average person would need a vehicle that's strong (like a tank), yet would still be able to be driven by an average Joe (like a car/truck/SUV). And I think I found it.

Rock, flag, and eagle!!!!

This is the Mercedes-Benz Zetros 6x6 Custom. Give yourself a second to take in the majesticness that is this vehicle. Take your time...I'll wait. Okay, so this beast not only has the heft & power to overcome most driving obstacles, but also has so many creature comforts that you won't be too worried about getting back to The Safe House right away. What do I mean by that? Well, check out this link.

Weapons:

The good part. There are many schools of thought about what the best weapon is during Armageddon. As such, I'll break it down into multiple sections, along with a runner-up for each.

Guns:

The debate on which gun is best for post-apocalyptia is one that my friends and I have had on multiple occasions. Sure, when you get right down to it, it all comes to personal preference, though there are a couple facts you're going to need to know:

1) Ammo will be limited. Factories are going to shut down, therefore your ammunition stock will be finite, save for the possibility of scavenging more. But let's face it...you won't be the only one.

2) If you think having a full automatic machine gun is a good idea, you are a big dumbhead. Once again, part of this comes down to ammo conservation. The other part is accuracy. You are going to be far less accurate & far more wasteful when using an automatic machine gun rather than a semi-automatic.

3) Keep those reload times down! Sure, we'd all like a Dirty Harry-esque S&W Model 29 .44 Magnum revolver, because who wouldn't want a hand cannon like that? Problem is that not only does it kick like a mule, but reloading a revolver takes time; time you probably won't have.

Though it is scary looking, even as a 3D computer animation.

My first choice for a gun as the optimum ranged weapon in the apocalypse is the M4 Carbine.

Ka-chow!

Weighing in at just under 7 lbs fully loaded, the M4 is a light, yet powerful weapon. Depending on the variant, you have the choice between either semi-automatic fire (yes!) & 3-round burst (eh)/fully automatic (no!). Another brilliant thing about the M4 is the range of customization you have with it.

Look at all the toys!

My runner-up is the SPAS-12 shotgun. Fully loaded, it's noticeably heavier than than the M4, & it doesn't have the same range, either. But, you know what? Sometimes you just need the pure devastating power of a shotgun. Plus, it's really pretty.

Ka-blam!

For sidearms, I'm going out on a limb & picking the Pistole Parabellum 1908 aka the Luger P08. Yes, I know what you're thinking: isn't that the Nazi gun? And to that, I say: No. It was A Nazi gun. It wasn't the only Nazi gun, but yeah...lots of Nazis used the Luger. But here's the thing: Germans make solid machines, be it cars or guns. Anywho, it's sleek, ergonomical design is very comfortable for the shooter, plus the damn things were really accurate, which, once again, is a fantastic thing when ammo is limited.

And it's so pretty.

But, here's the thing about the Luger: it hasn't been in production for like 65-70 years, and, thusly, the common man probably can't get his hands on one. Which is why my runner-up is the Colt M1911, .45 Caliber. This particular sidearm has been used (and is still currently being used) by the US Army for over a century. For no other reason than that, it makes the list.

There is such a thing as a classic.

Melee:

Melee weapons come down to personal preference, but the thing you have to remember is that you want a solid, heavy-ish weapon that won't break after one or two blows. I have a few choices for optimum melee weapons, so here we go:

A Louisville Slugger with a big nail through it may not sound elegant, but that's only because it isn't. But what it is is functional. In a zombpocalypse, the nail will scramble the zombrains as the bat caves in the skull. In a post-apocalyptic wasteland, the sight of this weapon will instill a level of pants-pooping terror into would-be attackers. The only drawback would be in a future where the machines gain sentience, but, to be honest, we're all screwed then anyway, so the weapons don't matter.

Maybe we'll try more than one nail...

Trench clubs are also awesome choices.

Words cannot describe...

The hand axe is also a quality melee weapon, depending on the model. I like one with a nice blade on one side & a blunt edge on the other, which is always good for smashing. The main drawback is that the axe head can get stuck. And will also do nothing for you against the robots.

A little rusty, but look at the potential!

Finally, there's a lot to be said for the trench knife. The long and short of it is that it's a (usually) long-bladed knife attached to brass knuckles, often with a rounded pommel (or "skullcracker") on the bottom. It's like three weapons in one, and, in a saying Alton Brown would love, it's always optimum to carry a multi-tool.

The stiletto blade makes for good stabbing.

Conclusion:

Yes, this article is way different than most here at the Awesome Blog, but thinking about these kind of things is always fun, and, to be honest, a little planning can go a long way. Now, in case any kind of apocalyptic scenario does actually go down, it's doubtful that you'd be able to get your hands on all, if any, of this stuff, but hey, one can dream, right? Safe hunting, folks.