Oh, the Great Institution of Marriage

Go buy & read this. Quick, funny, & awesome.

Don't worry folks, I'm not going to get all preachy about the institution of marriage. That'd be silly, and it'd certainly not fit the tone. But before I get any more sidetracked, let me explain: this article is about the marriages in the comic book world, and while, yes, I more often favor DC over Marvel (why wouldn't you?), I'm going to be looking at marriages throughout the comic-verse: the good, the bad, the ends-in-misery.

Reed & Sue Richards (Marvel)

How come the X-Men didn't suit up?

I am not a big FF fan. Never have been, doubt I will be. But when one speaks on the subject of comic book marriages, Reed & Sue have to be at the forefront. They've been married for years (both in terms of publication dates & continuity), but, to be honest, they have one of the worst marriages in comics. Reed is an absentee husband/father, spending most of his time doing everything but his husbandly duties. Sue is (finally) a strong, independent woman, who will do everything in her power to protect the lives of her friends & family, including becoming estranged with Reed during Marvel's Civil War. Also, I'm fairly sure he caused her to have battered woman syndrome. And she probably bumped uglies with Namor. A lot. Status: still married, sometimes even happilly.

I'm telling you...Sue & Namor did the deed.

Clark Kent & Lois Lane (DC)

Thanks for the invite, but what do I wear?

While this is the ultimate superhero couple, the logistics are mind-boggling. Yes, Lois was THE original love interest in superhero stories, and she's also no slouch in the ass-kickery/resourcefulness category, there are some issues here, and, as always, it's Superman's fault. I actually just read a pretty great article over at Comic Vine that talks about the dangers of Superman's powers. They bring up the quandary of what would happen if Supes flails or tosses & turns in his sleep. No doubt that would lead to a bed full of Lois soup. Hell, if you've ever seen Mallrats, the idea of Superman's super seed is brought up. I'll let you paint your own mental images on that one. I, personally, like that Clark & Lois aren't a couple in The New 52. I'm not saying that they won't get together (that'd be blasphemy), but, if Superman is the rational hero he is always perceived to be, he would stay away from forming physical relationships, for the protection of his loved ones. Status: marriage negated.

What's going on behind closed doors? A-bang, bang, bangity-bang...

Oliver Queen & Dinah Lance (DC)

Dude...finally!

The ultimate in "will they/won't they." They've flirted for decades. They've loved, argued, reconciled, hated, and found redemption in one another over the years. If that sounds familiar to many of you, it's because, save for, you know, the super villains, Green Arrow & Black Canary's relationship is probably the most natural (subtext: flawed). Nobody is perfect, and this relationship proves it. It was only recently (November 2007) that the Ross & Rachel relationship came to a head in the Green Arrow/Black Canary Wedding Special. In a completely unsurprising turn of events, their case of the matrimonies ends almost as quickly as it begins (April 2010). The marriage fell apart due to Ollie being a douche, for the most part. I'd make a comment about how the man is always portrayed as the reason a couple breaks up, but in this relationship, Ollie has always been the problem. Status: divorced (unknown if there was a previous relationship in the DCnU).

Better get your crap off of the curb before the crackheads come 'round.

Peter Parker & Mary-Jane Watson (Marvel)

At least everybody's dressed for the occasion this time, Marvel.

Oh, the comic reader's dream pairing: the nerd & the supermodel. Pater & MJ have been a staple in comic relationships for years. They were the high school sweethearts that grew up, matured, learned together, & eventually got married in what was certainly the social event of the season. Unfortunately, because every good comic is based on tragedy, Pete & MJ had their problems, be it as mundane as money or as fantastic as super villains just ruining their sh*t...constantly. While there were (and still are) detractors of their relationship, it seems like a null argument at this point: to save Aunt May (who must be in her 120's by now), the Parkers made a deal with a demon, the cost, among other things, was the dissolution & retcon of their marriage. They've been broken up for a bit now, each having had relationships with others. Time will tell if they ever get back together. Status: mystical annulment brought on by crap storytelling/writing.

This, one giant "screw you" to the faithful, but not a "What if...?"

Wally & Linda West (DC)

With all the money at your disposal, you can't get a Bat-tux, Nightwing?

Wally West was the original Kid Flash/3rd Flash, succeeding his mentor (and uncle-in-law) Barry Allen. Linda Park was an up & coming reporter. Needless to say, their paths crossed quite often. Wally was always a bit of a cocky punk, and Linda was a strong woman who didn't take sass. While their beginnings as a couple had its rough patches, their love for one another was mutually beneficial, helping the other grow & mature, while being their to support & aide. Due to the intervention of a Crisis (and saved by the Speed Force), the "wild" Wests were sucked into an alternate dimension for a while, where their lives very much changed due to unexpected Speed Force-based side effects on their children. Upon their return, the Wests had financial hardships, but they never wavered, only becoming closer. As of The New 52, the Wests have been, sadly, M.I.A. Status: Comic Book Limbo.

All great dick jokes write themselves.

Rick & Lori Grimes (Image)

Rick & Lori, making a go of it in the zombpocalypse.

The Walking Dead is one of the most brutal, emotionally draining, and, at times, brutal to read books out today. And that is why it is a comic that everybody needs to read. It's the most realistic depiction of a zombpocalypse ever, and, as such, there is about a thumbnail full of happiness in the entire thing. Rick & Lori's marriage wasn't the happiest, but it was realistic, especially given the circumstances. Everybody should be reading this book, so I'm not going to go in depth about anything that goes on between the two. Read the book, but have some antidepressants handy, also. Status: Let's just say, happily ever after isn't in the cards.

Instead of ruining everybody's day with sadness, bask in the awesomeness that is Daryl.

Barry Allen & Iris West-Allen (DC)

The Silver Age was a wacky time, man.

If you want to talk about a love that spans years, here is your example. Barry & Iris courted each other for years before finally tying the knot. They were happy together and made it work, even with the constant interferences of the Rouges. It wasn't until Iris was murdered (well kind of...it was revealed that she was sent back to 30th Century eventually...It's all wibbly-wobbly, timey-whimey), and Barry got some murder-y vengeance/was acquitted/exiled himself in the future to be with Iris again, that things went downhill. Mainly because it wasn't long after where Barry died (see Crisis on Infinite Earths). Yet, their profound effect as a couple was felt for years after, as they had sired the Tornado Twins, which led to the birth of Bart Allen (Impulse/Kid Flash/Flash IV/Kid Flash, again). And that's just to name a few. When Barry finally came back from the Beyond, he & Iris were once again reunited. Sadly, their marriage was a victim of The New 52 restructure, though the door is always open for their (hopeful) reunion. Status: marriage negated.

Dammit, DC! Barry & Iris NEED to be together!

And, finally, Ralph & Sue Dibny (DC)

Just look at the love there, folks.

 The Dibny's are the benchmark that all comic book marriages try to be. He was a C-list hero that drank the fake soda Gingold, which granted him the powers to stretch his body. Like putty. She was a New York socialite who couldn't have been any different. What followed was a whirlwind romance & eventual marriage that saw the Elongated Man give up the usual, day-to-day super heroics to basically road trip around the US (and sometimes the world), solving mysteries with his wife. And they made it work. For decades. In fact, it wasn't until the events of Identity Crisis, in which Sue is tragically murdered, where the Dibny's are split apart.

Heartbreak, incarnate.

But "til death do us part" isn't always the end. Ralph spent the rest of his life trying to find answers & ways to bring Sue back, until he realized that death was the only answer, sacrificing himself to defeat a villain. And because sometimes there really is a happy ending, we are shown Ralph & Sue's spirits, watching over their friends. Pre-DCnU, the Dibny's were even an important part of Batman's Outsiders. Status: Unknown in The New 52, but still together, even after death! Finally, a true success!

Death, shmeath. I smell a mystery, my love.