The 10 Best Movies of Christmas Adjacent

At this time of year, the internet is littered with list of the greatest Christmas movies. They usually contain the same, tired movies year after year, and It's a Wonderful Life is always number one. The problem that I have with (almost) all of these movies is that it's extraordinarily hard to enjoy any of those films in the miserable heat of mid-August.


Have no fear, though. With this list, you will be given ten movies that are chock full of the Christmas Spirit*, but aren't pigeonholed into only being able to enjoy it in the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I really don't want to think about what he does in the off-season.

* - By "Christmas Spirit," I mean there's at least one scene dealing with Christmas. Problem with that? Make your own list.


10. Boogie Nights

It's an awesome movie, but a young Heather Graham's the only reason you need to see it.

Now, I know that there is only a very (very) minor part of the film that deals with Christmas, but looking at the film's themes, one of the biggest is redemption.

And pornography. And cocaine.

All of these characters fall from grace, and they fall at terminal speeds. Yet, the film ends on a happy note for (almost) all of the characters...definitely not Little Bill, though.

Different Little Bill entirely.

And what, besides family and presents, is Christmas all about? Cookies. But other than that, it is also about the redemptive power of the Christmas Spirit. Look at the aforementioned It's a Wonderful Life: George's own existence is redeemed in his eyes. Also, I'm sure there's a scene on the cutting room floor where, right before he's given the business by George, Uncle Billy redeems himself for being a jagaloon who can't hold on to a hefty sum of money.

Also this is a real frame from the film.

9. Gremlins

Okay, so it's already kind of a Christmas movie. Shut up.

Gremlins is an often overlooked Christmas classic. It takes place around/on Christmas. Gizmo, the Mogwai, is a gift from father to son, so you get the whole family togetherness thing going on. You can even make the attempt to say that Mogwai-into-Gremlin experience is a harsh social commentary on the commercialization of Christmas and that getting the "perfect" gift isn't what it's cracked up to be (it isn't, at all, what the movie's about, but it is food for thought, btdubs). I know there's something else here too...

HOLY CRAP!

Mogwais are freaking Furbies!!!

I cannot believe I found this picture.

Maybe I was right about the whole gift giving conspiracy and Joe Dante, Steven Spielberg, and Chris Columbus are future seeing mystics...

OhMyGod it's going to happen!!!

8. In Bruges

Not quite the holiday spirit...

In Bruges is a criminally overlooked film. It's darkly funny, yet thought provoking, and, even with all of his flaws as a person, Colin Farrell is amazing (the excellent supporting cast doesn't hurt, either). Once again, just like It's a Wonderful Life, In Bruges is a tale of morality and redemption. Farrell's character, an assassin, spends the majority of the movie coping with a botched job, resulting in the death of a child.

Somebody is getting coal in his stocking...

Throughout the course of the film, Farrell tries to cope with his mistake, at one point attempting suicide. At the last moment, his mentor and partner intervenes, not unlike Clarence. I wouldn't say that the movie is a "feel good" kind of deal, but it is fantastic. I also find it hard not to imagine Jordan Prentice dressed as an elf.

I would respect you more as an actor if you didn't play a giant bag of weed...

7. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Thank you Christmas, and loose morals, for this outfit.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is a metafictional detective/murder mystery comedy. It is also awesome. Taking place at Christmas in LA, it deals with a hilarious, yet convoluted plot dealing with mistaken identity and murder. Also, in the spirit of giving, Robert Downey Jr.'s character gives his thumb to some torturers.

He's that kind of a guy.

The whole Christmas setting isn't terribly important, but it is enough to get on this list. I'm also willing to bet that gay Val Kilmer might be the single greatest part of this movie.

I mean, he was Batman.

Speaking of Batman...


6. Batman Returns

And I got you the business end of this grappling gun, henchman.

Without a doubt, Batman Returns is easily the most terrifying of the Batman movies. I'm talking about pure terror, in the basest sense of the word, as opposed to the abject horror of Batman & Robin. Unlike Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, the setting of Christmas in this film is actually tied into the plot of the movie, so there definitely cannot be any argument on it's inclusion on this list.

Aaaaaaaaand some anachronistic lechery. But seriously, is Gotham in the '30's or late '80's?

Batman Returns features surprise gifts (aka goons in giant gift boxes), family reunions (The Penguin visiting his parents' grave), and the Ghost of Christmas Future...I mean Christopher Walken.

MERRY ChristMAS to. You and. YOUR FAMilY.*

* - Capitalization groups indicate inflection.


5. Die Hard 2: Die Harder

Your part got Ho-Ho-Hosed in this one.

Die Harder is the bastard stepchild of the Die Hard franchise, even if it is better than most action movies. For those of you that need a reminder, it takes place in Dulles airport on Christmas Eve, where Detective John McClane (formerly on the NYPD, now of the LAPD) is waiting for his wife's flight to land. Unfortunately, a mercenary team takes control of the airport, endangering the safety of the planes circling. This causes McClane to do what he does best: make sure that the terrorists die. Hard.

This movie is notoriously low on awesome one liners,

except for the "Just the fax, ma'am" line. Classic Willis.

Christmas themes explored: McClane only wants a jacket for Christmas. He also wants to make sure his family can celebrate the holiday together. Dulles Tower asks for the lights and communications to come back online. Colm Meaney would like a substantial role in a big budget  Hollywood movie. And director Renny Harlin gives the ladies a little something-something, as well.

I'm talking about William Sadler's bare ass.

Oh, wait, one more thing...

John McClane loves giving his bullets to the bad guys.

4. Full Metal Jacket

Fun Fact: I get a ton of political information reading Adam Baldwin's Twitter.

True, the only reason this is on the list is because of a throwaway line from Gunny Hartman of "Today is Christmas," but, damn this movie is good. Set during the Vietnam War (oh, sorry, Vietnam Conflict), it's the tale of a young Marine's training and eventual lose of innocence. While the movie is often tragic, let's look at how this can be construed as a Christmas adjacent movie.

Are you kidding kid? You'll shoot your (expletive deleted) eye out.

Gunny Hartman can be considered Santa Clause. He's always watching, and you're always in fear that he will see you do something wrong. Anybody else notice that he is a very giving person, also? Hartman constantly gives nicknames to his recruits, not to mention KP Duty. He gladly doles out more miles to their runs, even when they don't ask for them. He's like the USMC's own Kris Kringle...if, you know, Santa was actually Satan...Ho. Lee. Crap.

"And a partridge in a pear treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."

3. Step Brothers

Because it really is all about family.

Let me say this before anybody has any thoughts to the contrary: Step Brothers has not one, but two separate Christmas scenes. Suck those eggs. But I digress. At its core, Step Brothers is a film about the melding of two families into one not-so-happy-then-later-happy family.

Pictured: Brotherly Love.

The holidays are depressing for a lot of people, and Richard Jenkins's character is no different. When he sees the mess that is his new family, he feels that drinking his misery away is the only answer. "I'm going to the Cheesecake Factory." "But it's Christmas Eve." "Oh. Merry Christmas." is the exchange that precedes his departure.

This family portrait smells like scotch & cheesecake.

There's even the usual childish jealous between brothers, when Brennan cannot believe that "Dale got Hulk hands," and he did not. The film ends a year later, with the family reunited. It is a complete 180 from the previous year, where, not only is there no animosity, but there is genuine happiness between the family members.

If karaoke doesn't work out, they can be family therapists.

2. Lethal Weapon

"And no, I don't believe I will pay for this tree."

Lethal Weapon is the preeminent buddy cop film. You have Martin Riggs, who is psychotic & suicidal, and Roger Murtaugh, who is "getting too old for this shit." How can you lose?

"Okay, I'l pay for it. But I want you to knock $5 off of the price."

The film takes place around and on Christmas, and, like many of the films on this list, it is all about giving. Gary Busey is all about giving the crazy. Riggs wants a 9mm lobotomy. Riggs also wants to give Murtaugh a (series of) heart attacks. And, finally, Busey & Gibson give everybody one of the best, if not most unrealistic, knockdown dragout fights in film history.

Even the target can feel the Christmas joy.

1. Die Hard

After this picture, do I even need to explain?

I don't care what anybody says. Die Hard is not just the greatest Christmas Adjacent movie, but it's the greatest Christmas movie. Fact. I mean, it has everything you could want. There's family. Friends. Trees. Lights. A Christmas Party. The classic Run-D.M.C. song "Christmas in Hollis." Terrorists of some kind of European decent.

You're a mean one, Mr. Gruber.

And even though it's timeless like every great Christmas movie, it is also a product of its time. I mean, you rarely see somebody ripping lines of coke off of a desk during business hours (though you do see it more than you would think).

I'm torn between using "Hans. Buby." or "Yeah, it's a Rolex." Thanks for being you, Ellis.

Christmas is a time for giving, and that is just what these characters do. Hans & his terrorists want Nakatomi's vault to give them money. Argyle gives people sass. Powell gives John backup. Holly gives John a reason to keep going. And John...oh, John...he has so many things to give.

Mostly awesomeness and one-liners.

John wants to give his family a hug. He has a giant toy bear to give to his daughter Lucy. He gives Al back his courage. And he gives the terrorists bullets. So many, many bullets.

And then? Even more bullets.

So, basically, if Christmas is the season for giving, then Die Hard gives the most. Oh, I forgot one more thing McClane gives: he gives Gruber a long, long drop to his ultimate demise.

        

Rickman played Hans & Snape. This can't possibly be a coincidence...could it?

And with all this giving, there's only one thing John McClane wanted: a pair of shoes.

My Love Affair with Barry Allen

Badasssssssss.

As noted yesterday, I quite agree with Geoff Johns's claim that Barry Allen is the greatest hero ever. He gave up his life to not only save the world, but existence itself in 1985's Crisis on Infinite Earths. Basically, Barry Allen has been dead for as long as I've been alive. He has only recently been revived, in the one-shot comic DC Universe #0., in 2008. That's right. I didn't even have a chance to read my favorite superhero's (mainstream) tales (there's a multiverse...what can you do?) in fresh ink until I was 23. And why did he come back? To save existence. Again.

Double badassssssss.

So, who is Barry Allen? Why is he so great? Well, to know that, you need to know his history, as well as the history of the Flash lineage.


THE FLASH:

Quite literally a happy family. Well, maybe a determined family would better suit this moment.

The Flash is a lineage title, passed down from one iteration to the next. The first Flash debuted during the Golden Age of comics. His name was Jay Garrick who, among other things, fought ruffians during World War Deuce and is a founding member of the Justice Society. Besides superspeed, his aging has slowed due to several anti-aging "accidents." He wore his father's WWI helmet, modified with wings (resembling the god Hermes's headwear). Unlike other Flashes, Jay didn't wear a mask. He just vibrated his face fast enough to obscure photos/video. Many modern interpretations have him resembling Paul Newman.

That's a handsome octogenarian...

Barry came next, but we'll save him for later. Wally West was Barry's nephew, sidekick, and successor. As the first Kid Flash, we was a founding member of the Teen Titans. After Barry's death in the Crisis on Infinite Earths, Wally took up the Flash mantle. While Wally has had problems with restrictions of his powers in the past, he is able to mainline energy from the Speed Force (a possibly sentient entity that speedsters gain their powers from). In fact, he has been able to draw enough power from it to create his own costume made of pure energy. Though he sounds pretty hardcore, Wally is known as one of the most alkative (and hungry) superheroes around. Like most Flashes, he is married, but unlike others, he has twins who, like him have speed force-based powers (though his daughter has seemed to take the brunt of the powers herself).

Fastest Ginger Alive!

After the events of Infinite Crisis, Wally & family left for an alternate reality, passing the torch to Barry's grandson Bart Allen. Bart was originally born in the future, where his grandparents lived for some time. Before being cured, his body was growing at an alarming rate, so his lived most of his childhood in a virtual world. Due to his lack of strategic thought, he first forayed into adventures as Impulse, before maturing a bit and taking Wally's place as Kid Flash. During Infinite Crisis, Bart was pulled into an alternate reality for four years by the Speed Force, to hold guard over Superboy-Prime (Yes, it is very confusing of you haven't read the amazing stories). Bart came back, eventually taking over as the Flash. He was later murdered while powerless by the Rogues (the Flash Family's enemies). The Legion of the 31st Century were able to bring Bart back from the Speed Force (which is also Valhalla to DC's speedsters, as well as the source of their powers). As Jay, Barry, & Wally all carry the Flash mantle, Bart (being returned to his teenage appearance) is more than happy to reclaim his title as Kid Flash. *Point of interest: Wally's daughter becomes the new Impulse to honor Bart.*

Fastest with the most Convoluted Backstory Boy Alive!

Last, and if you've read the title of this article you already know this, but not least, is Barry Allen. The second Flash. He is the progenitor of what we consider the Flash today: the scarlet and yellow. He is the greatest hero the DC multiverse has ever known.

This Aryan looking fellow.

Making his first appearance in Showcase #4 in October of 1956, Bartholomew Henry Allen was the Flashpoint (see what I did there?) of the Silver Age of Comics. Barry was a notoriously methodical, albeit slow, CSI for the Central City Police Department. Always running late, be it for work or meeting his girlfriend, and later wife, Iris West (Wally's aunt), Barry lived a normal life. Well, until a freak accident changed all of that.

$h*t just got real.

That's right: working in his lab late one night (often depicted as trying to find evidence to find his mother's murderer), a bolt of lightening crashes through the window, dousing him with electrically charged chemicals. The results bond him to the Speed Force, starting his career as a superhero. Two things should be noted though: a) it is implied after his death (and mostly retconned since) that Barry became the lightening bolt that turned him into the Flash & b) do not try this at home.

It's as if he is actually turning into lightening as we speak...

Writers have varied Barry's speed capabilities, and while he is considered the fastest speedster ever, his top speed has varied from beyond the speed of light to beyond the speed of thought. He has complete control of the Speed Force, as well as self-molecular control (he can vibrate ever atom in his body, letting him travel to other realities/universes). And, if that wasn't enough, the man can travel through time. Travel. Through. Time. Suck eggs, Superman.

And to put it to bed, Barry straight up told Supes that those close races were for charity.

No other character's death was so heartfelt, nor so far reaching as Barry's. He wasn't just the greatest of heroes, but the greatest of men. His death wasn't done for shock, and he wasn't back in a year (again... Superman). Hell, you know he's the greatest when friggin Batman not only says that "Barry is the kind of man that I would've hoped to become if my parents hadn't been murdered." Later, when Wally came back to the present at the end of the Lightening Saga, Batman was visibly disappointed that it wasn't his good friend that returned. But when he did, it was worth it. The wheels were put in motion in DC Universe #0, where Barry started to emerge from the Speed Force, narrating the goings on in DC continuity, putting faces to names, until, finally, the reader learns that the amnestiatic narrator is Barry, he remembers, and he's coming back.

THIS is how you bring somebody back from the dead.

He makes his physical return about six months later, but not before the comic world is lit aflame in anticipation. The New York flipping Daily News ran an article about his return. DC wondermind Geoff Johns stated he's the best. There must be something about all the hubbub.

He was even chosen as a Blue Lantern (Blash? Flashtern?) during the Blackest Night.

Barry's back, kicking ass, making the world a better place. And that's why he'll always be my favorite superhero.

Fastest Man Alive...and sometimes Dead.

The Greatest Superhero Ever: A No Nonsense Look...Well, Maybe Some Nonsense.

Who's the greatest superhero?

I would watch this movie.

Is it the Man of Steel?

You let yourself go, Clark.

No way. Superman is perfect. He's a Boy Scout. In fact, the only flaw he really has (besides getting all wonky on Special K...Kryptonite, that is) is that he's kind of an a-hole. Don't believe me? Check it for yourself.

This is pretty mind blowing, though.

Is it the World's Greatest Detective?

And now it all makes sense...

It pains me to sat that Batman isn't the greatest superhero. He's awesome. Think about it for a minute. He's rich, brilliant, badass, and crazy like a fox. Born into a life of posh living and never having to lift a finger for the rest of his life, he chose to go off and train with the greatest teachers in the world, all so he could jump from rooftops in footie pajamas and beat up villains. Sure, there was some tragedy thrown in there to put him on track, but that's not what I'm talking about. He is the coolest superhero of all time, but he isn't the greatest.

I do believe this is actual documentation of his exploits, though.

Well, how about Cap?

He did give Hitler the business...

Captain America is timeless. He is the embodiment of the American dream. Let's look at that picture up there a little closer, shall we?

Yup. That IS a right cross, Adolf.

Yet, he got killed (as did Supes & the Bat), but when he came back, he chose not to reclaim the shield. Don't get me wrong, Steve Rogers is still fighting the good right in the Marvelverse, but he isn't the Cap anymore, and he loses points for that. Oh, one last thing:

Captain Steve Rogers: still punching Hitler after all these years.

Oooooookay...umm...the Merc with a Mouth?

Nobody else has a Corps made entirely of alternate versions of himself.

Deadpool is the greatest comic character ever created. He isn't the greatest superhero, though. In fact, it's hard to describe Deadpool as a superhero, as he's a mercenary who kills without regard, is shallow and self-absorbed, and is constantly hired by Hydra and other sinister groups. But one thing is for sure: he's fantastic. Just look...

He played "rochambeau" with Cap.

Cap only recently got his revenge.

He also can't believe Cap punched hitler in the face.

In fact, he & Cap are Marvel's Goofus & Gallant...

Maybe he's indie...like, hmmm...The Great Blue Yonder?

Yes Virginia, that is his battle cry.

Ben Edlund's The Tick is a tremendously funny satire on the superhero genre. It has spawned a cartoon, a short lived live-action show, a video game, and more. Unfortunately, both shows may have been a bit too meta for the majority of audiences. He's absurd, irreverent, and everything a city doesn't need in a protector...which makes him exactly what a comic reader wants.

Much like a child or kitten, he is distracted by shiny things.

But alas, he is also not the greatest superhero ever.

So, who is this great hero? Easy. It's none other than the Scarlet Speedster himself.

Fastest. Man. Alive.

I'm not talking about Jay. I'm not talking about Wally, or Bart, for that matter. No way. I mean Barry freaking Allen. THE Flash. He doesn't just ride the lightening, he is the lightening. I will go much, much more in depth about why Barry is so great tomorrow. But when you have the almighty Geoff Johns stating that Barry is the greatest hero, well, who the Hell are you to say otherwise? Oh, and he had the stones to say that in the New York Daily News.

Superman still has to look for a phone booth.